7 Tips for Caring for a Difficult Child

Some children are easy to parent:  they comply with your directions, pick up after themselves, get up for school on time without much trouble, work hard in their classrooms, do their homework and chores, get long with their siblings, and never get sent to the principal's office.

Other children are more difficult to parent:  they cry when they don't get their way, tantrum at just the wrong time and place (on the floor in a check out lane at Target), lose their homework, not only ignore but defy your directions, maybe smoke, maybe drink, maybe worse, argue with everyone including the dog, and spend more time in the principal's office than in class.  So how do you manage these kids?

Wow, I wish I had easy answers that work for every parent for every child in every situation, but I don't.  I do, however, have some helpful guidelines in your struggle to care for these tough kids.

1. Take care of yourself first!  That means making sure you have time scheduled for activities that bring your joy and fulfillment:  joining a softball league, taking time to go golfing with friends, a monthly massage or facial (or both!), daily solitude (an absolute must for me), or an afternoon alone with a good book while your child's aunt or grandparents take her to the park or the zoo.  I often remind parents:  If mama goes down, the whole family goes down.

2.  Increase your time spent in positive interactions with your child.  These tough kids are used to being scolded, sent to their rooms, lectured, and having their toys, cell phones, or computer privileges taken away.  Why not try to increase the "good times" you spend with your child?  You will be improving your parenting as well as building your relationship with your child.  And perhaps your child's behaviors may just improve!

3.  Check your child's schedule, and reduce or remove overwhelming activities.  Kids in the American culture today often have too much on their schedules.  Reducing time spent away from home may help your child cope more successfully with school and other necessary activities, such as medical or therapy appointments. 

4.  Get help for your child.  That means seeking out all the educational and community resources available, such as special education services, Medicaid, therapy, respite care, and community based one-on-one services.  Call your county's Children's Mental Health Services at the Department of Health and Welfare for assistance. 

5.  Look to improve your family's sleep habits.  Lack of sleep makes everything more difficult, and impairs your ability to function at your best.  This holds true for your child.  So, set a bedtime and do your best to stick to it.  No sensational (i.e. violent) news stories or action movies prior to bedtime, for you or your kids.  Also make sure that all fun electronics (cell phone, TV, gaming systems, computer, etc.) are removed from your child's room at bedtime, with the exception of something to play relaxing music.  Music CD's can be borrowed for free from your public library, and  if you have internet connection, use youtube.com and seek out relaxing music on any device that has internet capabilities.  Finally, if you or your child are still having trouble sleeping, talk to your family doctor or nurse practitioner about using melatonin or another safe sleep aid.  Melatonin was a life-saver for my little insomniacs!  But do clear it with your family doctor first.

6.  Get help for YOU!  That means your own therapy to help you cope thrive!  YOUR MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING ARE EVERY BIT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR CHILD'S.  Re-read that last sentence if the caps failed to gain your attention in your sleep-deprived state.

7.  This too shall pass.  "Sure it will!" you snort at me.  Well, it WILL pass.  I have lived through some dark times as a parent of a severely disabled child, and I am here to encourage you to not give up, but to press on through the most trying times and to look towards a better future:  yours as well as your child's.  There will come a time when you will have to manage fewer if any behavioral problems, you will have more sleep, and you will not have to answer phone calls from the principal.  I haven't had a phone call from a school principal in years.  You'll get there too!

Be well!