What To Do If Your Difficult Child Destroys Their Scrapbook

Some kids, regardless of their age, behave in destructive ways.  This happens in birth as well as in adoptive families due to early trauma and attachment issues, but it can also occur due to other issues such as ADHD, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and addictions.   Sometimes kids' destructive impulses turns towards family heirlooms, photos, and scrapbooks*.  What can you do if you want to create and give a scrapbook to your child but are also concerned about turning over precious photos and mementos to them?

Answer:  Go ahead and make the scrapbook, and keep the original one for yourself.  Take high quality photos of each page individually, and have those photos bound into a photo book from an on-line printer such as Shutterfly.

Order a copy for your (grown? teen?) child, and give them that copy instead of the original.  If they destroy the copy you gave them in a fit of anger, simply order them another one a few months later when things have smoothed over.

You can print multiple copies of these scrapbooks over time.  Isn't that handy?!  

You can also print books out for grandparents too, solving at least one year's "Oh no, what do we get Grandpa?" Christmas gift dilemma.

Problem(s) solved.

*  A life book is slightly different than a scrapbook, in that is has been created specifically for the adopted child to assist the child and family in integrating the child's past into the family's current and future structure.  It also helps the adopted child with issues surrounding belonging and identity.  I encourage adoptive families to create life books and to keep copies of these books in case the child acts out and destroys the original.   

Launching your 20-Something Grown Child

Part of your job as a parent is to teach your child to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible.*  If you have a 20-something still living at home who is not working or going to school, you have not yet completed your biggest role in helping your child resolve this important developmental process of growing up.  Here are some ideas to help move this process along.

1.  Let me say this gently (ok, perhaps bluntly but with much compassion for you and your grown child in my heart):  you are likely the biggest obstacle to your child's failure to launch.  Not the economy, not the housing market, not that high school who failed to teach your child how to rent an apartment and get a job, and not your ex.  YOU.  By allowing your child to stay at home without requiring some manner of forward motion towards independence--such as holding down a job and/or going to college or technical training--you are fostering unhealthy dependence.  Recognizing and owning your role in this problem is the first step to resolving this untenable situation.

2.  Create a launch plan with deadlines.  You have every right to expect a grown up living under your roof to contribute financially towards bills and upkeep (unless they are in school FULL TIME**).  Perhaps create a plan in which they get a job (any honest job) within 30 days, pay their cell phone bill and their car insurance fully within 60 days, make a healthy contribution to their food and household supplies costs 30 days after that, and rent and utilities 30 days beyond that.  Your goal is not to gouge your grown child financially, but to help them assume full responsibility for themselves.  Make the deadlines reasonable but firm, and make the cost of rent sting a bit.  They have been comfortable loafing around home for far too long, and there they will stay until YOU make moving out more attractive than hanging out at home.  Charging them rent can be the push they need to leave the nest.

3.  Help them set up a simple budget.  Set them up for success and give them a simple, half-page budget.  This will help them learn to pay you on time, and get them in the practice of managing their money before they leave the nest.

4.  Do not expect your child to launch successfully overnight.  It's a process.  You and your grown child need to learn and practice new ways of relating to and communicating with each other, as adults.  Adults pull their own weight in life and do not mooch off of other people.  You've taught them to mooch off you (yes, you have, but don't beat yourself up about it, let's fix it!).  You definitely need to begin the process with the end (launching out of the home and being fully self-supporting) in mind.  Depending upon how much you have enabled your grown child to depend solely on you to meet their needs, this could take 3 months to a year.   If it takes longer, you're dragging this out beyond what may be healthy for you and for your grown child.  Or they have some other complicating issue such as rebounding from an early divorce, single parenthood, job loss, or recovering from an illness that could understandably make launching take a little longer.  Plan your launching schedule with these factors in mind, give them a little, not a lot, of leeway, and assure them that full launching is still possible, it may just take a little longer than one year. 

5.  Expect change to be challenging.  Your child will resist the actions they need to take to grow up and move out.  Expect resistance in the form of whining, arguing, pouting, regressive behaviors (I know one grown child who, when dad gently confronted him about these issues, started jumping on the living room furniture like a four year old, seriously!), suddenly developing an illness ("Oh well, I have a cold, guess I can't look for work this week"), and making excuses and promises they don't keep.  This is part of the change process of maturing.  So is making mistakes!  Expect them.  (But do NOT give up or give in.  These kids need to launch!)

6.  If mental illness, substance abuse, violence, or internet/gaming or other addictions are involved, get help.  These issues go beyond the norm of what you are able to manage alone in your role as parent.  You need help in navigating these muddy and dangerous waters.  Seek out a psychotherapist or counselor with experience in treating these conditions and YOU go see them.  You will need the support of a skilled mental health professional yourself in order to make the emotional and behavioral changes necessary on your part, so that you can be there to hold your child accountable and empower them to do their part.  Follow the counselor's advice carefully.  You may also need to involve law enforcement and/or an attorney.  Seek all the help available.

7.   Understand that grief (yours and your kid's) is likely part of the process as well.  This preparation to launch signifies the end of their childhood.  You may experience sadness, regret, despair, anger, fear, and sheer elation (yes!) at the thought of your child moving into true adulthood.  Talk with your psychotherapist or counselor about your feelings so that you do not subconsciously act them out.  Don't keep your grown child stuck in dependence upon you because you don't want to face and process your own emotions about their growing up and moving on.  Don't sabotage yourself or your kid!

8.  This is hard work.  You invested years of hard work in raising your precious little grown-up loafer.  It's HARD to get them to finish the process.  It's HARD for you to accept that you have been enabling them to mooch off you since high school graduation.  And it's HARD to release them when they are ready to face the big, wide world without you there every minute to micromanage their work and school schedule, wardrobe, social media, and homework.  Acknowledge the effort you have put into raising them thus far.  And acknowledge how hard it feels at times while you keep moving them forward to full launch mode.  Bah.  It stinks!  Yes, it's tough, but you can do it!

9.  Celebrate your grown kid's every step towards greater independence and self-sufficiency.   Practicing and claiming personal power is a tough developmental task, and your grown child needs your support rather than "I told you so," or "...if you would just take my advice!"  Be their biggest cheering section as they take these faltering steps towards adulthood.  They will launch.  You can  empower them to do this.

Warm wishes to you and your grown child as you begin this new adventure!


*  If your child has a permanent disabling condition, self-sufficiency may look a little different.  Your grown child may require care providers to assist with day-to-day tasks in order to live as independently as possible.  If this is the case and your grown child does not live with you, then you have successfully launched your child.   Good job!

**  If your child is enrolled in college or technical training/school full time, begin the conversation now about your expectations for your child to launch within a short time after graduation/completion of training.  This will likely annoy your child but it is so important that you begin the launching process now by communicating your expectations.  Require your child to work during summer vacations and to land a job within 30 days of completion of their schooling regardless of whether or not the job is in their preferred line of work.  They need to work at any safe, legal job if they are not in school full time.  And they need at least a part time job if they are in school part time.

How to Make a Scrapbook for Your Difficult Child Part 3

So, you've read Part 1 and Part 2.  Now you want to know how in the world to put together a scrapbook.

If you have never scrapbooked before, this will be (maybe) easy.

If you're a perfectionist, it will be more difficult.

If you're a seasoned scrapbooker, this will be harder still.  You are used to spending a lot of time on layouts and making things perfect.  Well, not the way I teach scrapbooking.  You will need to let go of your perfectionism and trust the process.

To everyone, please do not make this difficult for yourself.  Follow my directions and get SOMETHING MEMORABLE on each page.

To succeed in this process of creating a scrapbook, you need just a few things.  You can purchase all of these items (aside from photos and memorabilia) at Joann's, Michael's, Hobby Lobby, Walmart and other retail stores.

1.  An empty scrapbook (I like 12 inch by 12 inch albums) with photo safe, clear page protectors

2.  Colorful (patterned or just plain colored) archival papers, the size to fill the scrapbook

3.  Printed photos of your child from birth to now

4.  Any other add-on items (memorabilia) you may have regarding your child:  awards,  certificates,  samples of their artwork or trophies (if it can't fit in a scrapbook, take a photo and make a colored copy of the photo), maps of where they were born, lived, and attended school or church, photos of their special toys, ticket stubs, performance programs etc.

5.  Small pieces of archival paper upon which to write (the size of HALF of an index card)

6.  Two archival markers

7.  Scissors

8.  Archival photo adhesive (glue runner or tape)


This process can feel overwhelming, so begin by gathering each item until you have all 8 categories collected in one room.  I would set aside a guest room for this process, so you can leave your scrapbook in process and close the door when you need to take a break, go to work, go to sleep, or to get back to the rest of your family.

Start by going through all the photos, and deciding which ones you would like to incorporate into the album.  You don't have to include them all, just a sampling of your favorites.  Stick with this formula:  three 4 inch by 6 inch photos per page, maximum.  If you have 20 pages, then 20 times 3 is 60.  That should give you an idea of how many photos to keep.

If you want to include memorabilia, cut down on the number of photos you will include in the album.  Or if you want to include more photos than 60 AND you have lots of memorabilia, you can go purchase an additional set of scrapbook page protectors at the store.  But try to keep this project small-ish.  It's big enough as it is and it can grow out of control.  Release your need to have everything perfect.    

Organize all the photos into chronological order, from birth to now.   I'll wait while you do it....

(Two years later...ok maybe just a week or so...)

Welcome back!

Now, I want you to organize all the memorabilia in chronological order.  That should take a shorter time.  Maybe an hour or two.

You might cry while you're organizing these items.  That's ok.  Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions surface.  You are not just making a scrapbook; you are also processing the emotions surrounding parenting a tough kid, the emotions within the grieving process, and emotions underneath the trauma you may have experienced as a parent.  Take as many breaks as you need.  See your therapist for support as needed.

Please do NOT put in photos of awful times.  If you have few photos of certain years or eras, then go print some cute little poem off the internet and use that for one page, or copy your child's favorite meal on a recipe card and use that.   You have had enough of the bad times.  You will be processing many of those already.  Let this book be about the good that is within your child,  their childhood, and you as a parent.  Celebrate those good things.

If you lack sufficient photos of YOU with your child, you can remedy this as you're making the album.  Take selfies of you and your child having fun together, even in the car on your way to having fun!  Get those photos printed and make several two-page spreads of them!  (Keep reading, I'll explain a two-page spread.)

Once all the items are in chronological order,  collect two matching pages of colored/printed paper, and make a stack of them according to how many scrapbook pages there are.

Select one special paper for the first page, and one special paper for the last page.  These pages will stand alone.  (Open up the cover of the scrapbook and see: the first page is just ONE page.  The last page is just ONE page.)

All the other pages inside the scrapbook will be two-page spreads (two pages right next to each other that lay flat so you can see them both at the same time) and you want each two-page spread to have matching colored/patterned paper.  It adds order and symmetry to the album.

Now that you have papers paired, begin matching photos to pages, and lay out the photos right on top of the scrapbook papers.  When you find an arrangement that you like, use the adhesive and stick the photos/memorabilia down.  Don't obsess, just stick 'em on there!

This will take awhile.

You can either write on the half-size index card type papers now, or later.  Whatever you do, you do NOT need to write a novel.  Write the approximate date or age, the people with your child, and a quick memory.  Seriously, this will take 30 seconds per card.  No more than two cards per page.  You are saving memories, processing your child's childhood, and creating a keepsake gift all at once.  You are not writing a 500 page novel.  This is a scrapbook.  It doesn't need to be perfect.  Just get the stuff on the pages.

Your handwriting is special: it belongs to your child's parent (that's you).  Messy or not, use your own handwriting.  It makes each page more personal.

Stick the index-size papers on the pages; some may cover parts of the photos.  That's great.  It looks artsy.

Keep going until you have enough pages to fill your scrapbook.

Now, if you want a title, write your child's name in your own handwriting BIG on a full-size index-ish card, and stick it on that first page.

Place each page in chronological order in the page protectors.

Be prepared for what you might experience when you place that last page in the plastic sleeve and close the album.

Breathe.

How to Make A Scrapbook for Your Difficult Child Part 2

So, after reading this post, you know the benefits of creating a scrapbook for your hard-to-parent child.  Today's post will help you understand how scrapbooking your child's life can benefit YOU.

"What?  How can putting together a scrapbook help me?"

Please read this story from a now-believing parent, who graciously gave me permission to share it with you here:

"OK.  I did it.  I took your advice and bit the bullet and got M. (teen-ager) a scrapbook, some jazzy papers, and a package of flower stickers.  I felt so stupid at the check out, like this was a big waste of money and time.  But I did it anyway.  I'm glad you pushed me to do this Sweet 16 album like I always wanted to.  But after all the anger and arguments we've had since she turned 13, I had no desire to do anything extra for her.  She doesn't appreciate anything I did for her since then, why would this be any different?

I took the book home, and fired up my computer where I store all her photos.  I looked through tons until my eyes crossed, but got about 100 pics to print.  Ordered them.  Picked them up the next day.

Then I started sticking them to the jazzy papers, and as I was getting all scrappy, something happened:  I started reliving those good times.  All the sleep-overs with her best friends, each school picture since kindergarten, birthdays, Christmases, hair cuts, vacations, family photos, family pets,  piano recitals, soccer games, school carnivals, and Halloween costumes.

She had a great childhood.  A really fun and happy childhood with parties and friends and pets and activities and a mom who loved and still loves her.  Who took photos too!

I wasn't an awful mom.

I'n NOT an awful mom.

She has ADHD.  And it was and is really hard for both of us.  But we made it through her childhood.

I started writing really short blurbs about the pictures on small index cards cut in half like you said.  Not much, just names, dates, places--enough to tell the story part way.  Stuck them on the pages alongside the pics, and added a few flower stickers where I thought it looked nice.

I cried.  For her, for me, for some of her poor teachers.

I laughed at the tiger costume, the missing front tooth,  and her first and only camping trip.

You were right.  I "processed" a crap ton right there at the kitchen table.  Grief especially.  You were right.

When I stuck the last sticker on the last page and closed the book, a huge tidal wave of feelings plowed over me:  I cried again for her and for me, for the hard hard work I did raising her, and for her struggles at school and with some friends.  I cheered for us both for surviving the most crappy times, and I cheered for having completed a Sweet 16 album for her like I always wanted to.

Her response was the most unexpected.

When she opened the package the night of her party, she just started going through the scrapbook page by page, with everybody crowded around looking.  She told every story, and her sister, Grandpa, and her best friend added their own comments when they were part of the story too.  We laughed and laughed.  I told parts of stories too.  It took almost an entire hour!

When she got to the last page, she jumped up and gave me the biggest hug I've had from her since she was shorter than me.  Everybody cheered.  She told me it was the best thing ever and she actually told me she loved me!  It was like reality tv or something, but it's what happened.

It's only been a week since her party, but I've never felt so close to her.  It was the best gift I could have gotten her.  And the best gift for me too. "


Yes, there are so many ways a scrapbook may benefit you.  Not every parent's experience will be the same, and you may not receive such a welcoming response from your child, but this story illustrates several of the benefits you may receive when creating and giving a scrapbook.

Convinced?  Great!

Part 3 will take you through the easy-peasy steps to creating a fun and FAST scrapbook.

How to Make a Scrapbook for Your Difficult Child Part 1

Do you have a child, foster child, or grandchild that is difficult to parent?

Welcome to the club of Extreme Parents(!) where superheroes are REAL (that would be you, and members of your child's treatment team), capes totally optional (or not), and time moves both slow ("Isn't it her bedtime yet?!") and fast ("Where did my alone time go?!").

But before you know it, your Lil Firecracker will be grown, and their childhood a blurry, faded memory.

There are some things you will be glad to leave in the blurry, faded past, such as temper tantrums, IEP meetings, and coordinating and chauffeuring Lil Firecracker to multiple medical/therapy appointments each week.

But I don't want you to leave behind the GOOD memories.  Yes, there are many good memories, and I'm here to help you remember and preserve them.

Friends, I'm talking about scrapbooking.

Please don't gag.  Or roll your eyes.

The scrapbook craze that dominated the early part of this century fizzled out to a glowing ember, but a well-put-together scrapbook has so many benefits--therapeutic benefits--for not only Lil Firecracker, but for YOU as well.

Here are a few ways in which a scrapbook may benefit your child:

1.  Improved relationship between you and your child.  WOW!  Yes, it CAN happen!
2.  Greater sense of continuity and belonging.
3.  Increased sense of self, which assists with self-esteem issues (children learn to esteem themselves by mirroring the opinions that primary caregivers have of them).
4.  Feelings of family pride, even in foster families.
5.  Can help to heal past hurts within their family story.
6.  When a child or teen helps create, maintain (keeps adding to the book),  and then looks through the scrapbook over and over with you, it can provide you and your child with more quiet, crafty activities and bonding experiences.
7.  Preserving and reliving memories can make NEW memories too.  Whatadeal!

With all these benefits, I'm sure you're ready to get started right now!

OK, we'll wait until you've had your coffee.

Part 2 will explain how putting together your child's scrapbook can help YOU.

Part 3 will explain how to actually create a scrapbook.   FAST.

Don't worry!  You don't have to be artsy or crafty to do this.  You don't have to sacrifice all your free time either.  I'll walk you through each step.   You won't regret the time and effort you invest in this very important and worthwhile project.

Help! Family Road Trip Ahead!

Are you traveling with kids this summer?  Planning a family vacation to a great National Park, a theme park, or great-grandma's house?  Does thinking about 11 hours held captive (via seatbelt) in the family car make you want to run and hide under the kitchen table?

Take heart brave soul!  Travel with kids (or teens) CAN be fun.  Crawl out from under that table and I'll fill you in on some great tips:

1.  Plan plan plan.  As in, every last little detail.  Leave nothing to chance.  The more prepared you are, the less anxiety you will feel.  Plan your clothing needs, your kids' clothing needs, the rest stops, meals, snacks, some activities en route, some activities once you get there, lodging, medication issues (don't forget to the call your pharmacist and ask if anti-nausea medication is appropriate for your child who tends towards motion sickness), car tune up prior to departure, and any gifts you want to bring with you for friends or family.  Better still, involve your kids and teens in the planning too!  They will take more ownership for the trip this way, vs. feeling as if they're being dragged along.

2.  Boredom isn't terminal.  Driving or riding in a car can be boring.  So what.  Plan some activities (notice I said "some") for the car trip itself, but once you run out of ideas, allow your kids to experience boredom.  Many creative games, ideas, and inventions are birthed in kids' minds while the family cruises down the interstate.  On the trip back, the kids (and you!) will need that boredom/quiet time to process all the fun events that occurred during your vacation.  For younger kids, supply a few small toy people and animal figures for them to play out the events of the trip while you drive home.

3.  Take sufficient stretch breaks.  Stop somewhere scenic for lunch, walk around the rest stop and look at the vegetation or the ubiquitous maps, and maybe even bring a hula hoop or jump rope to help squirmy little ones expend some of their energy.

4.  Employ a token system to reduce arguing or bickering among siblings.  Provide each child with a roll of quarters at the outset of your trip.  Tell them that each time you have to intervene for complaining or bickering, you will "fine" the child or children one quarter.  What quarters each child has left once you reach your destination is theirs to spend.  Repeat for the homeward bound leg of the journey with new rolls of quarters.  If a whole roll of quarters seems like too much (or too little) money, adjust by using dimes, nickels, or (for teens), $100 bills (just kidding!).  But truly, $10 each way for each child is a bargain in my book, given how much more peaceful your trip will be.  And you were going to give them spending money anyway, so why not try this easy way to keep the peace and encourage your kids to practice peaceful conflict resolution and self-regulation.  This is NOT bribing.  Bribing is a term that is generally reserved for illegal actions used to gain favor.  Rewarding children for positive behaviors (they get to keep all their quarters) and penalizing them for negative ones is in no way a bribe; it helps them learn self control and gives them choices.  Consider this: If the state police allow you to keep your $150 because you drive the speed limit vs. the police requiring you to pay $150 to the county (via the speeding ticket they issued you) for your choice to drive faster than the posted speed limit, would you say the state police force are "bribing" you to drive 65mph?  No, it's behavior modification, and the choice to keep $150 or give it to the state is entirely within your control.

5.  If your child/teen will be the only minor traveling with you, see if they would like to invite a friend along.  They will love you forever (well, maybe), you will lessen the load on yourself, and your child will have even more fun because everything (even a boring car trip) is a party when your best friend is with you.  Remember to get written permission from that child's parents as well as permission from them granting you power to agree to emergency medical care if needed.

6.  Things likely won't go as planned.  Roads are closed for construction, the hotel overbooked, little Juan hates the pool, you and your other half bicker to the extent that you hand HIM a roll of quarters, and the forgotten sunscreen leads to an uncomfortable night of fitful sleep for everyone.  Stuff happens.  It's part of the journey!   It's ok.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  Vacations, road trips, and families are imperfect.  Take some deep breaths, let go of your need for perfection, and keep moving forward.

7.  Enjoy the trip!  Kids are 4 years old only once.  They're also only 5, 6, 7, 12, 15, and 17 only once.  My little ones are big, grown up ones now, and family road trips are incredibly rare.  Take photos of your child and you together, especially "selfies" of you all crowded together where ever you go.  Cherish each day with your kids, and remember that these precious years fly by.  Go make some memories.  Don't forget to send me a post card!

Happy trails!

More Quick Tips for Managing Anxiety

Do you worry a lot?  Do you feel nervous, do your palms feel sweaty, are your muscles tense, or do you feel a little nauseous in unfamiliar or even normal day-to-day interactions?

These can all be symptoms of anxiety.  Every one of us has, at one time or another, experienced one or some of the above symptoms.  Of course, only a mental or medical health professional can accurately diagnose and treat a true anxiety disorder, but here are a few quick tips to help when you experience feelings of anxiety:

1.  Breathe.  Without noticing it, oftentimes when we are nervous our breathing becomes shallow, making us feel more tense.  Taking several deep breaths can really help to reduce your in-the-moment feelings of anxiety.  And you can do this anywhere:  in the line at the grocery store, while sitting in traffic, around the dinner table with your in-laws, and while discussing curfew and driving privileges with your 16 year-old.

2.  Reduce your caffeine intake.  Caffeine is a stimulant and can increase your feelings of jitteriness and anxiety.  Limit your intake of caffeine, especially around times of change and unfamiliar situations.

3.  Plan ahead and prepare.  Some feelings of anxiety arise because you have a big project or deadline looming ahead of you and you feel unprepared.  One way to feel less anxious is to assume more control of a situation.  A great way to do this is through careful planning and following through with your plans.  Planning and preparing ahead can help to alleviate some of those anxious feelings.

Be well!

How to Handle the Loss of a Beloved Pet

The loss of a beloved animal can be incredibly difficult and, obviously, heart breaking.  Here are a few brief things to consider when faced with the loss of your pet:

1.   Accept the fact that your heartache is real.  You loved and cared for your pet, and now that precious animal is no longer alive.  The pain you feel is an indication that you loved another life, and that you cared deeply.

2.  Don't let the uninformed people in your life minimize the pain you are feeling from this loss.   Not everyone understands the depths of your concern and love for animals.  Not everyone "gets" it.  It's ok; they don't have to get it:  We do.  Share your pain with the people in your life who DO get it.

3.  Honor your pet's life.  You and your pet had a special connection.  Honor that relationship in a way that feels right to you.  Perhaps creating a scrapbook of photos, making a donation to your local animal shelter, designing a key chain or piece of jewelry that you can carry or wear, or writing a song or poem about your pet can help you honor the role that your pet played in your life.

Above all, be kind to yourself as you navigate your emotions after this loss.  And do not hesitate to seek out a competent and understanding counselor if you need someone to help you during this difficult time.

Setting Boundaries with Bulldozers

Do you know someone who, whenever you tell them no, either ignores your no or relentlessly wears you down trying to talk you into a yes?

Those people are bulldozers*.  They don't respect your boundaries, and they plow over any boundary you attempt to create.

Another word for bulldozers?  Bullies.

Bullies want what they want and stop at almost nothing to get it.  From you.

You don't need that in your life.

It is likely that your entire relationship with this bully has been a power differential:  they exert more power than you and have been violating your boundaries for the duration of the time you've been in relationship with them.

It's time to take your power back.

Here is the short version of how to set boundaries with bullies.  (The long version takes place over several sessions of skills training in a counselor's office.)

First, get in touch with what boundary a particular bully keeps crossing.  Perhaps you are frustrated with two hour long phone calls with a "friend" whose friendship, you've discovered, is completely one way and drains you dry.  Or a co-worker that keeps hitting you up for lunch money, gas money, a ride here, a ride there.  Or your cousin (sister, uncle, child, parent) whose teasing at family gatherings has crossed a line (maybe it always crossed the boundaries of kindness, but you're just now seeing it for what it really is...bullying), and you're fed up.  GOOD.  Figure out the boundary that's been crossed and label it in your mind, "This is the boundary that So-and-So keeps crossing."

Second, determine how you're going to set (or re-set) the boundary, and how to communicate this to the bulldozer/bully.  You may want a face-to-face visit, but I would really recommend a letter or email.  Here's why:  it gives you time to VENT and EDIT before communicating your limits, it gives you emotional distance from the bully (communicating with bullies can be really uncomfortable, and sometimes frightening), and it helps you to remember what you actually said to the bulldozer when--not if, but WHEN--this person comes back and steps across (or jumps over, or demolishes) your boundary.  

Third, communicate using "When you ______________ (do not respect my no, call me and talk for two hours, make fun of my career choice, ask to borrow money), I feel _____________ (angry, violated, disrespected, sad, offended, used, disappointed)."  I need you to respect my boundaries.  I will no longer _____________ (be open for two hour phone conversations, be your chauffeur, lend you money, listen to your teasing without verbally letting you know that it's teasing and then I'll walk away from our conversation)."

Fourth, prepare for backlash.  It will happen; they will test your boundaries and that's when you stand firm and follow through in the way you said you would in your letter/email.  THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.

Why?  There are risks to setting boundaries.

You're not used to standing up to this person, and this person may no longer want to be in relationship with you if you set and keep healthy boundaries.  They might increase their bullying behavior, pull away, or change tactics.  But a bulldozer painted hot pink is still a bulldozer.

Or, if this person* is a batterer, then you could actually be in physical danger if you set a boundary.

And, when you change one part of a relationship, your entire relationship will change too, in some way, and it might not be in the way you hoped.

But there are sooo many risks to NOT setting boundaries.  You risk being controlled by these people, risk not living the life you want, risk becoming more and more angry, frustrated, and hurt.  You owe it to yourself to feel good about you and be involved with healthy, growing, and respectful people who respect your no and whose "no's" you respect.

It's your choice to set boundaries.  Set and keep healthy ones, and get help if you need it.  You are worth it!!

Be well!


*  If someone has threatened your life, physically hurts you, forces you to do things you don't want to do (drugs, commit crimes, lie for them), tries to convince you to stop acting in health-promoting ways (tells you to stop attending your 12-Step meetings, pressures you to stop taking your medications or stop seeing your health care provider), minimizes your accomplishments, speaks to you in degrading ways, or tries to keep you from having access to your phone, money, car, healthy friends and safe family members, you are in an abusive relationship and need help to get out.  Call the Domestic Violence Hotline (free if you're in the USA) at (800) 799-7233.

Valentine's Day Stress and What to Do About It

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day!  I have noticed there are three camps of people when it comes to this holiday (see which one fits you this year):

1.  You love to celebrate with candy, cards, flowers, gifts, heart-shaped decorations, glitter, love songs, sparkling cider, stuffed bears holding a heart shaped box of chocolates, or any combination of these things.
2.  You see it as just another consumer-driven holiday, no big deal, and simply get on with your day.
3.  You feel...bad in some way.  Anxious, stressed, sad.

If you find yourself in the first camp, go to it!  Have a blast, sprinkle glittery heart warm fuzzies all around you.  Just stick to a reasonable budget and save a piece of chocolate for me!

If you are in camp two, hey, enjoy the chocolate that may come your way from the gooey, glitter-sprinkling, candy-wielding co-workers and loved ones you may encounter (and be thankful for them, those loving souls!).  If, however, you are one half of a romantic relationship, you might want to at least go get a card and a box of chocolates, or a bouquet of flowers for your honey.  It could improve your relationship.  Just sayin'.  (I am, in fact, a couples counselor too.)

If you are in camp three, keep reading.  This post is for you.

Valentine's Day can be a difficult day for some people, at certain times in their lives.  It is a holiday high-lighting love and lovers, and if you feel some lack or absence in either love or having a romantic partner, Valentine's Day can inspire stress-filled thoughts and negative emotions within you.

Let's first acknowledge that you DON'T have to participate in this holiday if you don't want to.

Let's also acknowledge any loss or void you have in your life if you are not feeling loved right now, or if you have a hurtful, hard, emotionally charged past in terms of someone you love or loved, or who should have loved you (ie a parent or spouse).  A divorce, separation, awful break-up, abusive childhood, intimate partner violence, serious interpersonal strife within your home or your family or work, or widowhood can all trigger negative emotions especially at this time of year when love is celebrated.

Take some time this year to write out the story of the pain.  Get it all out, cry if you can, go share it with your counselor or pastor/priest, but process those negative emotions by acknowledging them, writing them down, talking them out, and releasing them.  This self-care is an act of love:  Love for yourself!

Next, write down a list of all the wonderful, amazing things you can think of about yourself, and read them aloud to yourself in front of a mirror.  If you can't think of many, then recall in your life when someone (teacher, friend, stranger, coach, sibling, or anyone else) said anything nice to you or about you.  Write these things down.  They are treasures to recall in difficult times, to remind you of your sparkling, imperfectly perfect self.  Yes, YOU are a priceless treasure just by being you!  There is NO ONE else on this planet exactly like you.  You are an original work of art.  Priceless.

Write a list of things for which you are grateful.  They can be small things (favorite breakfast cereal in your pantry) or bigger things (eyesight, a safe delivery of your new baby, a job that pays the bills). Gratitude, especially when practiced daily, can be so healing.

Finally, do something you adore that demonstrates your own self-love, to show yourself that YOU are important.  Take yourself to the movies!  Go for a swim or a drive!  Bake yourself a decadent dessert!  Dress up in your finest clothes and take yourself out to dinner (or lunch, if you don't want to eat alone at a restaurant on Valentines' Day).  Celebrate YOU with candy, cards, flowers, gifts, heart-shaped decorations, glitter, love songs, sparkling cider, stuffed bears holding a heart shaped box of chocolates, or any combination of these things.  Yes, step into camp one, for YOURSELF!

Celebrate YOU on Valentine's Day!

Secrets to Thriving with ADHD

Do you or someone close to you struggle in day-to-day life with ADHD?

Good news!  One of my specialties is helping adults, teens, and kids to THRIVE--not just survive--with ADHD.  I have two grown sons who were diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school, long before I was a therapist.  I learned many tips from their mental health care providers, doctors, teachers, and therapists.  I also learned and continue to learn and create effective techniques as a therapist, to help YOU and the people you love to live great lives with ADHD.

Here are a few secrets to thriving with ADHD.  These secrets took me YEARS to learn!  I would be so happy if you shared these with as many families impacted by ADHD as you can so that they can thrive too!

1.  Reduce your household inventory.  A big challenge for many people living with ADHD is the disorganization and clutter in their homes and lives.   The best way to address this is to drastically reduce the amount of stuff in their homes and lives.  This means a huge and massive decluttering.

2.  Plan ahead.  Oh how long it took me to learn this secret to help my kids and clients and how effect it can be!  The act of planning reduces impulsive actions, and many of the relationship and work problems that impact people with ADHD are caused by their impulsivity.  Planning greatly reduces this!

3.  Work on getting enough sleep.  Sleep is so vital for healthy functioning and good relationships.  Check out this post for some tips on getting a good night's sleep.

4.  Exercise daily.  Exercise improves mood, releases endorphins, and helps reduce stress (and living with ADHD can be stressful!).  Find exercise that you enjoy and indulge in this form of self-care daily.  ALWAYS CHECK WITH YOUR PRIMARY DOCTOR FIRST BEFORE BEGINNING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

5.  Get out into nature as often as possible.  Nature has so many benefits, including helping to calm an overactive mind.  When I say "nature," I mean quiet, uncrowded green space (or snowy space, or beach and water space).  Indulge as often as you can and reap the benefits that nature freely offers us.

6.  Focus on and build your strengths.  So may people immediately focus on the negative aspects of ADHD:  the distractability, the forgetfulness, the interrupting behaviors, and trouble with memory and impulse control.  When my oldest son entered basic training in the US Army, I was discussing my concerns over his ADHD and how he would fare as a front-line infantryman, and my colleague, a well-respected marriage and family therapist, energetically exclaimed that being an infantryman in the Army was a perfect job for my ADHD son:  he has the capacity to multi-task in life and death situations.  I am relieved to tell you that my son successfully completed deployment to a war zone, faced and survived battle, and earned several medals as a result of his exemplary service to our country.  ADHD can be a strength indeed!

7.  Talk therapy (also called counseling or psychotherapy).  While ADHD has benefits, it also has drawbacks.  ADHD is a lifelong condition that has the capacity to negatively impact many areas of a person's life.  Having an understanding and knowledgeable mental health professional with whom to talk can greatly improve relationships, functioning at school and work, and help a person to learn even more ways to thrive with ADHD.  If you live in Idaho and feel that counseling can help you learn to live with ADHD (or learn to live with SOMEONE ELSE who has ADHD!), please email me (teresahealdconsulting"at"gmail.com) to inquire about scheduling a counseling session and begin to discover even more ways to thrive with ADHD!

8 Keys to Stress Management

Are you tense?  Fatigued?  Feel as if your brain is foggy?  These can all be signs of too much stress!  If daily life is wearing you down, try a few of these tips and start to feel better today.

1.  Make a list of your current top five stressors.  Perhaps it's your son's recent fender bender, your aging cat's health problems, a leaky roof, an important work or school deadline, an overdue bill, or the surprising number on your bathroom scale.  List the top five things that cause you stress when you think about them.  Simply identifying your stressors helps to increase your sense of control over these situations.

2.  Identify and write down one small step you can take to reducing the impact that each issue is having on your life.  For example, call your insurance about your son's minor car accident, schedule time to take your cat to the vet, call one roofing company for a quote, schedule just 10 minutes to work towards your deadline, or call your neighbor and plan to take her up on walking around the neighborhood every Saturday morning for exercise and friendship.

3.  Take one action right now.  Yes, right now!  Make a call, schedule an appointment, write in your planner or set an email or phone reminder to spend just 10 minutes working towards addressing one of your stressors.  A phone call or email can take just a minute or two, if you let go of perfectionism and set a time limit for yourself.  Here's an example of a one minute phone call:  "Hello Maria?  Hi!  Hey, I just have a minute, but I was calling to see if you still walk on Saturday mornings and if you would like some company.  Oh that's great!  I'd love to meet you at 9 o'clock.  I gotta run now, but I look forward to seeing you on Saturday.  Ok, bye!"  That wasn't so hard, was it?

4.  Use a timer.  Having too much to do at home increases your feelings of being stressed.  Here is an idea to make your daily life less stressful:  Set a timer for a short duration (like 20 minutes) and perform urgent but mundane chores such as loading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, and cleaning the toilets.  Try to beat the timer.  Stop when the timer goes off.   The results?  A less dirty house, a less stressful you.  Do this every day or so and the cumulative results will surprise you (and leave you less stressed)!

5. Reduce your expectations for things that are less important.  Such as...?  The dust on the tv screen.  A perfectly mopped kitchen floor.  Homemade ranch dressing (sheesh honey, buy it pre-made in the bottle already).  You don't have to be Suzy Homemaker.  You need to have healthy, safe, and clean conditions where they matter (dishes, food prep and food freshness, no rotting trash inside the house).  But consider lowering your standards in areas that are stressing you out but that do not impact health and well-being.  Maybe you don't have to crochet an afghan for your neighbor's baby shower;  a pre-made blanket will suffice and save you lots of time and stress.  Maybe you don't have to chop fresh vegetables every week for your kids' snacks.  Maybe buying a pre-made veggie tray at the grocery store every week will not only save you time but worry that you are not feeding your family healthy food.

6.  Brain dump daily.  The term "brain dump" has always sounded silly to me,  so I never wanted to do it.  Within this past year, however, stress levels in my life reached a critical level, so I determined to do everything in my power to regain my sense of effectiveness and reduce my stress.  I decided to try the silly brain dump thing.  I sat down with a pen and paper and got everything that was nagging at the back of my mind written down in one fell swoop (or brain dump).  Big things, tiny things, insignificant things.  I wrote them all on paper.  Then, I went down the list and on another piece of paper I re-wrote each item, placing it into a specific category.  For example, a few of my categories were Work, Family/Friends, Self Care, Home, Finances, Food/Meals.  The next morning, I started on my list, picking out tasks I decided were priorities from each category.  As I completed a task, I crossed it off.  At the end of that night, I re-wrote my categories, leaving out the things I crossed off as done, and added any new tasks that had come up that day.  I repeated this process daily.  Guess what?  Within one week my productivity skyrocketed and my daily experience of stress dropped.   I continue using this brain dump productivity method to this day.  I get more done now than I ever have, yet I'm not stressed like I used to be just a few months ago!   And here's the kicker: tomorrow is Saturday, traditionally the day of endless household chores and mundane but necessary errands for every adult in this country.  But you know what my brain dump list for tomorrow looks like?   Do you know how many items it has on it?  Two.  Seriously.  Just two.  Try this brain dump nonsense.  TRY IT.  You won't regret it one bit.

You can do this too.  You can reduce your stress and become more effective at being the best YOU you can be!  Pick something from this list and try it today!

5 Quick Ways to Manage Anxiety

Anxiety is a normal part of being human.  However, the feelings of worry, fear, and "jumpy-ness" that many of us experience in new or unusual circumstances can impact our enjoyment of and ability to function our best in those situations.

Here are five quick tips to help you manage your anxiety so you can live your very best life, even in new or unfamiliar situations:

1.  Recognize how your body is feeling (tense, shallow breathing) and BREATHE.  Yes, it sounds simplistic, but it really helps.  Deep breaths are best.  Try this:  breathe in for 8 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds.  Repeat this 6 or so times and you will begin to feel better.

2.  Talk to yourself.  Remind yourself that this is a new situation and that most people feel a little tense when encountering an unfamiliar situation.  Tell yourself you can find enjoyment in this, and that it's totally ok to feel tense.  Tell yourself to breathe.  Tell yourself you can do this!

3.  Write down your feelings.  A few minutes before you encounter a new situation, write about your feelings and fears in a small journal or smart phone note-taking system.  The act of writing down your anxiety will likely reduce your tense feelings.

4.  Don't go it alone.  Bring along a friend for moral support, especially someone fun, caring, extroverted, or a go-getter.  Let's say you have a scary medical procedure to attend.  Ask a friend to come along (and hang out in the lobby) for moral support.  We are social creatures (even the introverted ones among us!), and any new or anxiety-promoting event can be made less scary when someone familiar to us, who cares about us, comes along.  If no one is able to come with you, then bookend:  call a friend before you face that scary new situation, and then call them afterward to check in.  This technique helps you feel less alone and more supported.

5.  Plan a reward for afterward.  This is classical conditioning at its best:  remember Pavlov's dog?  Ring a bell, feed the dog.  Ring a bell, feed the dog.  Ring a bell, the dog drools (in anticipation of being fed).  My mother practiced classical conditioning with me when I was two years old and needed extensive dental work.  She took me shopping after my appointments and bought me a small toy.  It worked.  I never worried about going to the dentist, ever.  In fact, it worked so well that I look forward to going to the dentist now, almost 5 decades later.   Go to the dentist, get a fun toy.  Go to the dentist, get a fun toy.  Go to the dentist, get excited and anticipate FUN!  You can do this too.  Think of some enjoyable reward that you will provide for yourself after your scary event:  browse in a museum, stop for frozen yogurt, purchase some small specialty item at the gourmet shop or farmer's market, get a pedicure, purchase a new tool for your favorite hobby, spend time at your favorite park or nature reserve.  Plan something enjoyable for afterward, and see if that doesn't help calm some of your anxiety NOW and begin to condition you for facing unfamiliar events in the future.

All the best,
Teresa