Do you know someone who, whenever you tell them no, either ignores your no or relentlessly wears you down trying to talk you into a yes?
Those people are bulldozers*. They don't respect your boundaries, and they plow over any boundary you attempt to create.
Another word for bulldozers? Bullies.
Bullies want what they want and stop at almost nothing to get it. From you.
You don't need that in your life.
It is likely that your entire relationship with this bully has been a power differential: they exert more power than you and have been violating your boundaries for the duration of the time you've been in relationship with them.
It's time to take your power back.
Here is the short version of how to set boundaries with bullies. (The long version takes place over several sessions of skills training in a counselor's office.)
First, get in touch with what boundary a particular bully keeps crossing. Perhaps you are frustrated with two hour long phone calls with a "friend" whose friendship, you've discovered, is completely one way and drains you dry. Or a co-worker that keeps hitting you up for lunch money, gas money, a ride here, a ride there. Or your cousin (sister, uncle, child, parent) whose teasing at family gatherings has crossed a line (maybe it always crossed the boundaries of kindness, but you're just now seeing it for what it really is...bullying), and you're fed up. GOOD. Figure out the boundary that's been crossed and label it in your mind, "This is the boundary that So-and-So keeps crossing."
Second, determine how you're going to set (or re-set) the boundary, and how to communicate this to the bulldozer/bully. You may want a face-to-face visit, but I would really recommend a letter or email. Here's why: it gives you time to VENT and EDIT before communicating your limits, it gives you emotional distance from the bully (communicating with bullies can be really uncomfortable, and sometimes frightening), and it helps you to remember what you actually said to the bulldozer when--not if, but WHEN--this person comes back and steps across (or jumps over, or demolishes) your boundary.
Third, communicate using "When you ______________ (do not respect my no, call me and talk for two hours, make fun of my career choice, ask to borrow money), I feel _____________ (angry, violated, disrespected, sad, offended, used, disappointed)." I need you to respect my boundaries. I will no longer _____________ (be open for two hour phone conversations, be your chauffeur, lend you money, listen to your teasing without verbally letting you know that it's teasing and then I'll walk away from our conversation)."
Fourth, prepare for backlash. It will happen; they will test your boundaries and that's when you stand firm and follow through in the way you said you would in your letter/email. THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.
Why? There are risks to setting boundaries.
You're not used to standing up to this person, and this person may no longer want to be in relationship with you if you set and keep healthy boundaries. They might increase their bullying behavior, pull away, or change tactics. But a bulldozer painted hot pink is still a bulldozer.
Or, if this person* is a batterer, then you could actually be in physical danger if you set a boundary.
And, when you change one part of a relationship, your entire relationship will change too, in some way, and it might not be in the way you hoped.
But there are sooo many risks to NOT setting boundaries. You risk being controlled by these people, risk not living the life you want, risk becoming more and more angry, frustrated, and hurt. You owe it to yourself to feel good about you and be involved with healthy, growing, and respectful people who respect your no and whose "no's" you respect.
It's your choice to set boundaries. Set and keep healthy ones, and get help if you need it. You are worth it!!
Be well!
* If someone has threatened your life, physically hurts you, forces you to do things you don't want to do (drugs, commit crimes, lie for them), tries to convince you to stop acting in health-promoting ways (tells you to stop attending your 12-Step meetings, pressures you to stop taking your medications or stop seeing your health care provider), minimizes your accomplishments, speaks to you in degrading ways, or tries to keep you from having access to your phone, money, car, healthy friends and safe family members, you are in an abusive relationship and need help to get out. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline (free if you're in the USA) at (800) 799-7233.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Monday, February 13, 2017
Valentine's Day Stress and What to Do About It
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! I have noticed there are three camps of people when it comes to this holiday (see which one fits you this year):
1. You love to celebrate with candy, cards, flowers, gifts, heart-shaped decorations, glitter, love songs, sparkling cider, stuffed bears holding a heart shaped box of chocolates, or any combination of these things.
2. You see it as just another consumer-driven holiday, no big deal, and simply get on with your day.
3. You feel...bad in some way. Anxious, stressed, sad.
If you find yourself in the first camp, go to it! Have a blast, sprinkle glittery heart warm fuzzies all around you. Just stick to a reasonable budget and save a piece of chocolate for me!
If you are in camp two, hey, enjoy the chocolate that may come your way from the gooey, glitter-sprinkling, candy-wielding co-workers and loved ones you may encounter (and be thankful for them, those loving souls!). If, however, you are one half of a romantic relationship, you might want to at least go get a card and a box of chocolates, or a bouquet of flowers for your honey. It could improve your relationship. Just sayin'. (I am, in fact, a couples counselor too.)
If you are in camp three, keep reading. This post is for you.
Valentine's Day can be a difficult day for some people, at certain times in their lives. It is a holiday high-lighting love and lovers, and if you feel some lack or absence in either love or having a romantic partner, Valentine's Day can inspire stress-filled thoughts and negative emotions within you.
Let's first acknowledge that you DON'T have to participate in this holiday if you don't want to.
Let's also acknowledge any loss or void you have in your life if you are not feeling loved right now, or if you have a hurtful, hard, emotionally charged past in terms of someone you love or loved, or who should have loved you (ie a parent or spouse). A divorce, separation, awful break-up, abusive childhood, intimate partner violence, serious interpersonal strife within your home or your family or work, or widowhood can all trigger negative emotions especially at this time of year when love is celebrated.
Take some time this year to write out the story of the pain. Get it all out, cry if you can, go share it with your counselor or pastor/priest, but process those negative emotions by acknowledging them, writing them down, talking them out, and releasing them. This self-care is an act of love: Love for yourself!
Next, write down a list of all the wonderful, amazing things you can think of about yourself, and read them aloud to yourself in front of a mirror. If you can't think of many, then recall in your life when someone (teacher, friend, stranger, coach, sibling, or anyone else) said anything nice to you or about you. Write these things down. They are treasures to recall in difficult times, to remind you of your sparkling, imperfectly perfect self. Yes, YOU are a priceless treasure just by being you! There is NO ONE else on this planet exactly like you. You are an original work of art. Priceless.
Write a list of things for which you are grateful. They can be small things (favorite breakfast cereal in your pantry) or bigger things (eyesight, a safe delivery of your new baby, a job that pays the bills). Gratitude, especially when practiced daily, can be so healing.
Finally, do something you adore that demonstrates your own self-love, to show yourself that YOU are important. Take yourself to the movies! Go for a swim or a drive! Bake yourself a decadent dessert! Dress up in your finest clothes and take yourself out to dinner (or lunch, if you don't want to eat alone at a restaurant on Valentines' Day). Celebrate YOU with candy, cards, flowers, gifts, heart-shaped decorations, glitter, love songs, sparkling cider, stuffed bears holding a heart shaped box of chocolates, or any combination of these things. Yes, step into camp one, for YOURSELF!
Celebrate YOU on Valentine's Day!
1. You love to celebrate with candy, cards, flowers, gifts, heart-shaped decorations, glitter, love songs, sparkling cider, stuffed bears holding a heart shaped box of chocolates, or any combination of these things.
2. You see it as just another consumer-driven holiday, no big deal, and simply get on with your day.
3. You feel...bad in some way. Anxious, stressed, sad.
If you find yourself in the first camp, go to it! Have a blast, sprinkle glittery heart warm fuzzies all around you. Just stick to a reasonable budget and save a piece of chocolate for me!
If you are in camp two, hey, enjoy the chocolate that may come your way from the gooey, glitter-sprinkling, candy-wielding co-workers and loved ones you may encounter (and be thankful for them, those loving souls!). If, however, you are one half of a romantic relationship, you might want to at least go get a card and a box of chocolates, or a bouquet of flowers for your honey. It could improve your relationship. Just sayin'. (I am, in fact, a couples counselor too.)
If you are in camp three, keep reading. This post is for you.
Valentine's Day can be a difficult day for some people, at certain times in their lives. It is a holiday high-lighting love and lovers, and if you feel some lack or absence in either love or having a romantic partner, Valentine's Day can inspire stress-filled thoughts and negative emotions within you.
Let's first acknowledge that you DON'T have to participate in this holiday if you don't want to.
Let's also acknowledge any loss or void you have in your life if you are not feeling loved right now, or if you have a hurtful, hard, emotionally charged past in terms of someone you love or loved, or who should have loved you (ie a parent or spouse). A divorce, separation, awful break-up, abusive childhood, intimate partner violence, serious interpersonal strife within your home or your family or work, or widowhood can all trigger negative emotions especially at this time of year when love is celebrated.
Take some time this year to write out the story of the pain. Get it all out, cry if you can, go share it with your counselor or pastor/priest, but process those negative emotions by acknowledging them, writing them down, talking them out, and releasing them. This self-care is an act of love: Love for yourself!
Next, write down a list of all the wonderful, amazing things you can think of about yourself, and read them aloud to yourself in front of a mirror. If you can't think of many, then recall in your life when someone (teacher, friend, stranger, coach, sibling, or anyone else) said anything nice to you or about you. Write these things down. They are treasures to recall in difficult times, to remind you of your sparkling, imperfectly perfect self. Yes, YOU are a priceless treasure just by being you! There is NO ONE else on this planet exactly like you. You are an original work of art. Priceless.
Write a list of things for which you are grateful. They can be small things (favorite breakfast cereal in your pantry) or bigger things (eyesight, a safe delivery of your new baby, a job that pays the bills). Gratitude, especially when practiced daily, can be so healing.
Finally, do something you adore that demonstrates your own self-love, to show yourself that YOU are important. Take yourself to the movies! Go for a swim or a drive! Bake yourself a decadent dessert! Dress up in your finest clothes and take yourself out to dinner (or lunch, if you don't want to eat alone at a restaurant on Valentines' Day). Celebrate YOU with candy, cards, flowers, gifts, heart-shaped decorations, glitter, love songs, sparkling cider, stuffed bears holding a heart shaped box of chocolates, or any combination of these things. Yes, step into camp one, for YOURSELF!
Celebrate YOU on Valentine's Day!
Monday, February 6, 2017
Secrets to Thriving with ADHD
Do you or someone close to you struggle in day-to-day life with ADHD?
Good news! One of my specialties is helping adults, teens, and kids to THRIVE--not just survive--with ADHD. I have two grown sons who were diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school, long before I was a therapist. I learned many tips from their mental health care providers, doctors, teachers, and therapists. I also learned and continue to learn and create effective techniques as a therapist, to help YOU and the people you love to live great lives with ADHD.
Here are a few secrets to thriving with ADHD. These secrets took me YEARS to learn! I would be so happy if you shared these with as many families impacted by ADHD as you can so that they can thrive too!
1. Reduce your household inventory. A big challenge for many people living with ADHD is the disorganization and clutter in their homes and lives. The best way to address this is to drastically reduce the amount of stuff in their homes and lives. This means a huge and massive decluttering.
2. Plan ahead. Oh how long it took me to learn this secret to help my kids and clients and how effect it can be! The act of planning reduces impulsive actions, and many of the relationship and work problems that impact people with ADHD are caused by their impulsivity. Planning greatly reduces this!
3. Work on getting enough sleep. Sleep is so vital for healthy functioning and good relationships. Check out this post for some tips on getting a good night's sleep.
4. Exercise daily. Exercise improves mood, releases endorphins, and helps reduce stress (and living with ADHD can be stressful!). Find exercise that you enjoy and indulge in this form of self-care daily. ALWAYS CHECK WITH YOUR PRIMARY DOCTOR FIRST BEFORE BEGINNING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
5. Get out into nature as often as possible. Nature has so many benefits, including helping to calm an overactive mind. When I say "nature," I mean quiet, uncrowded green space (or snowy space, or beach and water space). Indulge as often as you can and reap the benefits that nature freely offers us.
6. Focus on and build your strengths. So may people immediately focus on the negative aspects of ADHD: the distractability, the forgetfulness, the interrupting behaviors, and trouble with memory and impulse control. When my oldest son entered basic training in the US Army, I was discussing my concerns over his ADHD and how he would fare as a front-line infantryman, and my colleague, a well-respected marriage and family therapist, energetically exclaimed that being an infantryman in the Army was a perfect job for my ADHD son: he has the capacity to multi-task in life and death situations. I am relieved to tell you that my son successfully completed deployment to a war zone, faced and survived battle, and earned several medals as a result of his exemplary service to our country. ADHD can be a strength indeed!
7. Talk therapy (also called counseling or psychotherapy). While ADHD has benefits, it also has drawbacks. ADHD is a lifelong condition that has the capacity to negatively impact many areas of a person's life. Having an understanding and knowledgeable mental health professional with whom to talk can greatly improve relationships, functioning at school and work, and help a person to learn even more ways to thrive with ADHD. If you live in Idaho and feel that counseling can help you learn to live with ADHD (or learn to live with SOMEONE ELSE who has ADHD!), please email me (teresahealdconsulting"at"gmail.com) to inquire about scheduling a counseling session and begin to discover even more ways to thrive with ADHD!
Good news! One of my specialties is helping adults, teens, and kids to THRIVE--not just survive--with ADHD. I have two grown sons who were diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school, long before I was a therapist. I learned many tips from their mental health care providers, doctors, teachers, and therapists. I also learned and continue to learn and create effective techniques as a therapist, to help YOU and the people you love to live great lives with ADHD.
Here are a few secrets to thriving with ADHD. These secrets took me YEARS to learn! I would be so happy if you shared these with as many families impacted by ADHD as you can so that they can thrive too!
1. Reduce your household inventory. A big challenge for many people living with ADHD is the disorganization and clutter in their homes and lives. The best way to address this is to drastically reduce the amount of stuff in their homes and lives. This means a huge and massive decluttering.
2. Plan ahead. Oh how long it took me to learn this secret to help my kids and clients and how effect it can be! The act of planning reduces impulsive actions, and many of the relationship and work problems that impact people with ADHD are caused by their impulsivity. Planning greatly reduces this!
3. Work on getting enough sleep. Sleep is so vital for healthy functioning and good relationships. Check out this post for some tips on getting a good night's sleep.
4. Exercise daily. Exercise improves mood, releases endorphins, and helps reduce stress (and living with ADHD can be stressful!). Find exercise that you enjoy and indulge in this form of self-care daily. ALWAYS CHECK WITH YOUR PRIMARY DOCTOR FIRST BEFORE BEGINNING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
5. Get out into nature as often as possible. Nature has so many benefits, including helping to calm an overactive mind. When I say "nature," I mean quiet, uncrowded green space (or snowy space, or beach and water space). Indulge as often as you can and reap the benefits that nature freely offers us.
6. Focus on and build your strengths. So may people immediately focus on the negative aspects of ADHD: the distractability, the forgetfulness, the interrupting behaviors, and trouble with memory and impulse control. When my oldest son entered basic training in the US Army, I was discussing my concerns over his ADHD and how he would fare as a front-line infantryman, and my colleague, a well-respected marriage and family therapist, energetically exclaimed that being an infantryman in the Army was a perfect job for my ADHD son: he has the capacity to multi-task in life and death situations. I am relieved to tell you that my son successfully completed deployment to a war zone, faced and survived battle, and earned several medals as a result of his exemplary service to our country. ADHD can be a strength indeed!
7. Talk therapy (also called counseling or psychotherapy). While ADHD has benefits, it also has drawbacks. ADHD is a lifelong condition that has the capacity to negatively impact many areas of a person's life. Having an understanding and knowledgeable mental health professional with whom to talk can greatly improve relationships, functioning at school and work, and help a person to learn even more ways to thrive with ADHD. If you live in Idaho and feel that counseling can help you learn to live with ADHD (or learn to live with SOMEONE ELSE who has ADHD!), please email me (teresahealdconsulting"at"gmail.com) to inquire about scheduling a counseling session and begin to discover even more ways to thrive with ADHD!
Friday, February 3, 2017
8 Keys to Stress Management
Are you tense? Fatigued? Feel as if your brain is foggy? These can all be signs of too much stress! If daily life is wearing you down, try a few of these tips and start to feel better today.
1. Make a list of your current top five stressors. Perhaps it's your son's recent fender bender, your aging cat's health problems, a leaky roof, an important work or school deadline, an overdue bill, or the surprising number on your bathroom scale. List the top five things that cause you stress when you think about them. Simply identifying your stressors helps to increase your sense of control over these situations.
2. Identify and write down one small step you can take to reducing the impact that each issue is having on your life. For example, call your insurance about your son's minor car accident, schedule time to take your cat to the vet, call one roofing company for a quote, schedule just 10 minutes to work towards your deadline, or call your neighbor and plan to take her up on walking around the neighborhood every Saturday morning for exercise and friendship.
3. Take one action right now. Yes, right now! Make a call, schedule an appointment, write in your planner or set an email or phone reminder to spend just 10 minutes working towards addressing one of your stressors. A phone call or email can take just a minute or two, if you let go of perfectionism and set a time limit for yourself. Here's an example of a one minute phone call: "Hello Maria? Hi! Hey, I just have a minute, but I was calling to see if you still walk on Saturday mornings and if you would like some company. Oh that's great! I'd love to meet you at 9 o'clock. I gotta run now, but I look forward to seeing you on Saturday. Ok, bye!" That wasn't so hard, was it?
4. Use a timer. Having too much to do at home increases your feelings of being stressed. Here is an idea to make your daily life less stressful: Set a timer for a short duration (like 20 minutes) and perform urgent but mundane chores such as loading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, and cleaning the toilets. Try to beat the timer. Stop when the timer goes off. The results? A less dirty house, a less stressful you. Do this every day or so and the cumulative results will surprise you (and leave you less stressed)!
5. Reduce your expectations for things that are less important. Such as...? The dust on the tv screen. A perfectly mopped kitchen floor. Homemade ranch dressing (sheesh honey, buy it pre-made in the bottle already). You don't have to be Suzy Homemaker. You need to have healthy, safe, and clean conditions where they matter (dishes, food prep and food freshness, no rotting trash inside the house). But consider lowering your standards in areas that are stressing you out but that do not impact health and well-being. Maybe you don't have to crochet an afghan for your neighbor's baby shower; a pre-made blanket will suffice and save you lots of time and stress. Maybe you don't have to chop fresh vegetables every week for your kids' snacks. Maybe buying a pre-made veggie tray at the grocery store every week will not only save you time but worry that you are not feeding your family healthy food.
6. Brain dump daily. The term "brain dump" has always sounded silly to me, so I never wanted to do it. Within this past year, however, stress levels in my life reached a critical level, so I determined to do everything in my power to regain my sense of effectiveness and reduce my stress. I decided to try the silly brain dump thing. I sat down with a pen and paper and got everything that was nagging at the back of my mind written down in one fell swoop (or brain dump). Big things, tiny things, insignificant things. I wrote them all on paper. Then, I went down the list and on another piece of paper I re-wrote each item, placing it into a specific category. For example, a few of my categories were Work, Family/Friends, Self Care, Home, Finances, Food/Meals. The next morning, I started on my list, picking out tasks I decided were priorities from each category. As I completed a task, I crossed it off. At the end of that night, I re-wrote my categories, leaving out the things I crossed off as done, and added any new tasks that had come up that day. I repeated this process daily. Guess what? Within one week my productivity skyrocketed and my daily experience of stress dropped. I continue using this brain dump productivity method to this day. I get more done now than I ever have, yet I'm not stressed like I used to be just a few months ago! And here's the kicker: tomorrow is Saturday, traditionally the day of endless household chores and mundane but necessary errands for every adult in this country. But you know what my brain dump list for tomorrow looks like? Do you know how many items it has on it? Two. Seriously. Just two. Try this brain dump nonsense. TRY IT. You won't regret it one bit.
You can do this too. You can reduce your stress and become more effective at being the best YOU you can be! Pick something from this list and try it today!
1. Make a list of your current top five stressors. Perhaps it's your son's recent fender bender, your aging cat's health problems, a leaky roof, an important work or school deadline, an overdue bill, or the surprising number on your bathroom scale. List the top five things that cause you stress when you think about them. Simply identifying your stressors helps to increase your sense of control over these situations.
2. Identify and write down one small step you can take to reducing the impact that each issue is having on your life. For example, call your insurance about your son's minor car accident, schedule time to take your cat to the vet, call one roofing company for a quote, schedule just 10 minutes to work towards your deadline, or call your neighbor and plan to take her up on walking around the neighborhood every Saturday morning for exercise and friendship.
3. Take one action right now. Yes, right now! Make a call, schedule an appointment, write in your planner or set an email or phone reminder to spend just 10 minutes working towards addressing one of your stressors. A phone call or email can take just a minute or two, if you let go of perfectionism and set a time limit for yourself. Here's an example of a one minute phone call: "Hello Maria? Hi! Hey, I just have a minute, but I was calling to see if you still walk on Saturday mornings and if you would like some company. Oh that's great! I'd love to meet you at 9 o'clock. I gotta run now, but I look forward to seeing you on Saturday. Ok, bye!" That wasn't so hard, was it?
4. Use a timer. Having too much to do at home increases your feelings of being stressed. Here is an idea to make your daily life less stressful: Set a timer for a short duration (like 20 minutes) and perform urgent but mundane chores such as loading the dishwasher, taking out the trash, and cleaning the toilets. Try to beat the timer. Stop when the timer goes off. The results? A less dirty house, a less stressful you. Do this every day or so and the cumulative results will surprise you (and leave you less stressed)!
5. Reduce your expectations for things that are less important. Such as...? The dust on the tv screen. A perfectly mopped kitchen floor. Homemade ranch dressing (sheesh honey, buy it pre-made in the bottle already). You don't have to be Suzy Homemaker. You need to have healthy, safe, and clean conditions where they matter (dishes, food prep and food freshness, no rotting trash inside the house). But consider lowering your standards in areas that are stressing you out but that do not impact health and well-being. Maybe you don't have to crochet an afghan for your neighbor's baby shower; a pre-made blanket will suffice and save you lots of time and stress. Maybe you don't have to chop fresh vegetables every week for your kids' snacks. Maybe buying a pre-made veggie tray at the grocery store every week will not only save you time but worry that you are not feeding your family healthy food.
6. Brain dump daily. The term "brain dump" has always sounded silly to me, so I never wanted to do it. Within this past year, however, stress levels in my life reached a critical level, so I determined to do everything in my power to regain my sense of effectiveness and reduce my stress. I decided to try the silly brain dump thing. I sat down with a pen and paper and got everything that was nagging at the back of my mind written down in one fell swoop (or brain dump). Big things, tiny things, insignificant things. I wrote them all on paper. Then, I went down the list and on another piece of paper I re-wrote each item, placing it into a specific category. For example, a few of my categories were Work, Family/Friends, Self Care, Home, Finances, Food/Meals. The next morning, I started on my list, picking out tasks I decided were priorities from each category. As I completed a task, I crossed it off. At the end of that night, I re-wrote my categories, leaving out the things I crossed off as done, and added any new tasks that had come up that day. I repeated this process daily. Guess what? Within one week my productivity skyrocketed and my daily experience of stress dropped. I continue using this brain dump productivity method to this day. I get more done now than I ever have, yet I'm not stressed like I used to be just a few months ago! And here's the kicker: tomorrow is Saturday, traditionally the day of endless household chores and mundane but necessary errands for every adult in this country. But you know what my brain dump list for tomorrow looks like? Do you know how many items it has on it? Two. Seriously. Just two. Try this brain dump nonsense. TRY IT. You won't regret it one bit.
You can do this too. You can reduce your stress and become more effective at being the best YOU you can be! Pick something from this list and try it today!
5 Quick Ways to Manage Anxiety
Anxiety is a normal part of being human. However, the feelings of worry, fear, and "jumpy-ness" that many of us experience in new or unusual circumstances can impact our enjoyment of and ability to function our best in those situations.
Here are five quick tips to help you manage your anxiety so you can live your very best life, even in new or unfamiliar situations:
1. Recognize how your body is feeling (tense, shallow breathing) and BREATHE. Yes, it sounds simplistic, but it really helps. Deep breaths are best. Try this: breathe in for 8 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds. Repeat this 6 or so times and you will begin to feel better.
2. Talk to yourself. Remind yourself that this is a new situation and that most people feel a little tense when encountering an unfamiliar situation. Tell yourself you can find enjoyment in this, and that it's totally ok to feel tense. Tell yourself to breathe. Tell yourself you can do this!
3. Write down your feelings. A few minutes before you encounter a new situation, write about your feelings and fears in a small journal or smart phone note-taking system. The act of writing down your anxiety will likely reduce your tense feelings.
4. Don't go it alone. Bring along a friend for moral support, especially someone fun, caring, extroverted, or a go-getter. Let's say you have a scary medical procedure to attend. Ask a friend to come along (and hang out in the lobby) for moral support. We are social creatures (even the introverted ones among us!), and any new or anxiety-promoting event can be made less scary when someone familiar to us, who cares about us, comes along. If no one is able to come with you, then bookend: call a friend before you face that scary new situation, and then call them afterward to check in. This technique helps you feel less alone and more supported.
5. Plan a reward for afterward. This is classical conditioning at its best: remember Pavlov's dog? Ring a bell, feed the dog. Ring a bell, feed the dog. Ring a bell, the dog drools (in anticipation of being fed). My mother practiced classical conditioning with me when I was two years old and needed extensive dental work. She took me shopping after my appointments and bought me a small toy. It worked. I never worried about going to the dentist, ever. In fact, it worked so well that I look forward to going to the dentist now, almost 5 decades later. Go to the dentist, get a fun toy. Go to the dentist, get a fun toy. Go to the dentist, get excited and anticipate FUN! You can do this too. Think of some enjoyable reward that you will provide for yourself after your scary event: browse in a museum, stop for frozen yogurt, purchase some small specialty item at the gourmet shop or farmer's market, get a pedicure, purchase a new tool for your favorite hobby, spend time at your favorite park or nature reserve. Plan something enjoyable for afterward, and see if that doesn't help calm some of your anxiety NOW and begin to condition you for facing unfamiliar events in the future.
All the best,
Teresa
Here are five quick tips to help you manage your anxiety so you can live your very best life, even in new or unfamiliar situations:
1. Recognize how your body is feeling (tense, shallow breathing) and BREATHE. Yes, it sounds simplistic, but it really helps. Deep breaths are best. Try this: breathe in for 8 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds. Repeat this 6 or so times and you will begin to feel better.
2. Talk to yourself. Remind yourself that this is a new situation and that most people feel a little tense when encountering an unfamiliar situation. Tell yourself you can find enjoyment in this, and that it's totally ok to feel tense. Tell yourself to breathe. Tell yourself you can do this!
3. Write down your feelings. A few minutes before you encounter a new situation, write about your feelings and fears in a small journal or smart phone note-taking system. The act of writing down your anxiety will likely reduce your tense feelings.
4. Don't go it alone. Bring along a friend for moral support, especially someone fun, caring, extroverted, or a go-getter. Let's say you have a scary medical procedure to attend. Ask a friend to come along (and hang out in the lobby) for moral support. We are social creatures (even the introverted ones among us!), and any new or anxiety-promoting event can be made less scary when someone familiar to us, who cares about us, comes along. If no one is able to come with you, then bookend: call a friend before you face that scary new situation, and then call them afterward to check in. This technique helps you feel less alone and more supported.
5. Plan a reward for afterward. This is classical conditioning at its best: remember Pavlov's dog? Ring a bell, feed the dog. Ring a bell, feed the dog. Ring a bell, the dog drools (in anticipation of being fed). My mother practiced classical conditioning with me when I was two years old and needed extensive dental work. She took me shopping after my appointments and bought me a small toy. It worked. I never worried about going to the dentist, ever. In fact, it worked so well that I look forward to going to the dentist now, almost 5 decades later. Go to the dentist, get a fun toy. Go to the dentist, get a fun toy. Go to the dentist, get excited and anticipate FUN! You can do this too. Think of some enjoyable reward that you will provide for yourself after your scary event: browse in a museum, stop for frozen yogurt, purchase some small specialty item at the gourmet shop or farmer's market, get a pedicure, purchase a new tool for your favorite hobby, spend time at your favorite park or nature reserve. Plan something enjoyable for afterward, and see if that doesn't help calm some of your anxiety NOW and begin to condition you for facing unfamiliar events in the future.
All the best,
Teresa
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