Part of your job as a parent is to teach your child to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible.* If you have a 20-something still living at home who is not working or going to school, you have not yet completed your biggest role in helping your child resolve this important developmental process of growing up. Here are some ideas to help move this process along.
1. Let me say this gently (ok, perhaps bluntly but with much compassion for you and your grown child in my heart): you are likely the biggest obstacle to your child's failure to launch. Not the economy, not the housing market, not that high school who failed to teach your child how to rent an apartment and get a job, and not your ex. YOU. By allowing your child to stay at home without requiring some manner of forward motion towards independence--such as holding down a job and/or going to college or technical training--you are fostering unhealthy dependence. Recognizing and owning your role in this problem is the first step to resolving this untenable situation.
2. Create a launch plan with deadlines. You have every right to expect a grown up living under your roof to contribute financially towards bills and upkeep (unless they are in school FULL TIME**). Perhaps create a plan in which they get a job (any honest job) within 30 days, pay their cell phone bill and their car insurance fully within 60 days, make a healthy contribution to their food and household supplies costs 30 days after that, and rent and utilities 30 days beyond that. Your goal is not to gouge your grown child financially, but to help them assume full responsibility for themselves. Make the deadlines reasonable but firm, and make the cost of rent sting a bit. They have been comfortable loafing around home for far too long, and there they will stay until YOU make moving out more attractive than hanging out at home. Charging them rent can be the push they need to leave the nest.
3. Help them set up a simple budget. Set them up for success and give them a simple, half-page budget. This will help them learn to pay you on time, and get them in the practice of managing their money before they leave the nest.
4. Do not expect your child to launch successfully overnight. It's a process. You and your grown child need to learn and practice new ways of relating to and communicating with each other, as adults. Adults pull their own weight in life and do not mooch off of other people. You've taught them to mooch off you (yes, you have, but don't beat yourself up about it, let's fix it!). You definitely need to begin the process with the end (launching out of the home and being fully self-supporting) in mind. Depending upon how much you have enabled your grown child to depend solely on you to meet their needs, this could take 3 months to a year. If it takes longer, you're dragging this out beyond what may be healthy for you and for your grown child. Or they have some other complicating issue such as rebounding from an early divorce, single parenthood, job loss, or recovering from an illness that could understandably make launching take a little longer. Plan your launching schedule with these factors in mind, give them a little, not a lot, of leeway, and assure them that full launching is still possible, it may just take a little longer than one year.
5. Expect change to be challenging. Your child will resist the actions they need to take to grow up and move out. Expect resistance in the form of whining, arguing, pouting, regressive behaviors (I know one grown child who, when dad gently confronted him about these issues, started jumping on the living room furniture like a four year old, seriously!), suddenly developing an illness ("Oh well, I have a cold, guess I can't look for work this week"), and making excuses and promises they don't keep. This is part of the change process of maturing. So is making mistakes! Expect them. (But do NOT give up or give in. These kids need to launch!)
6. If mental illness, substance abuse, violence, or internet/gaming or other addictions are involved, get help. These issues go beyond the norm of what you are able to manage alone in your role as parent. You need help in navigating these muddy and dangerous waters. Seek out a psychotherapist or counselor with experience in treating these conditions and YOU go see them. You will need the support of a skilled mental health professional yourself in order to make the emotional and behavioral changes necessary on your part, so that you can be there to hold your child accountable and empower them to do their part. Follow the counselor's advice carefully. You may also need to involve law enforcement and/or an attorney. Seek all the help available.
7. Understand that grief (yours and your kid's) is likely part of the process as well. This preparation to launch signifies the end of their childhood. You may experience sadness, regret, despair, anger, fear, and sheer elation (yes!) at the thought of your child moving into true adulthood. Talk with your psychotherapist or counselor about your feelings so that you do not subconsciously act them out. Don't keep your grown child stuck in dependence upon you because you don't want to face and process your own emotions about their growing up and moving on. Don't sabotage yourself or your kid!
8. This is hard work. You invested years of hard work in raising your precious little grown-up loafer. It's HARD to get them to finish the process. It's HARD for you to accept that you have been enabling them to mooch off you since high school graduation. And it's HARD to release them when they are ready to face the big, wide world without you there every minute to micromanage their work and school schedule, wardrobe, social media, and homework. Acknowledge the effort you have put into raising them thus far. And acknowledge how hard it feels at times while you keep moving them forward to full launch mode. Bah. It stinks! Yes, it's tough, but you can do it!
9. Celebrate your grown kid's every step towards greater independence and self-sufficiency. Practicing and claiming personal power is a tough developmental task, and your grown child needs your support rather than "I told you so," or "...if you would just take my advice!" Be their biggest cheering section as they take these faltering steps towards adulthood. They will launch. You can empower them to do this.
Warm wishes to you and your grown child as you begin this new adventure!
* If your child has a permanent disabling condition, self-sufficiency may look a little different. Your grown child may require care providers to assist with day-to-day tasks in order to live as independently as possible. If this is the case and your grown child does not live with you, then you have successfully launched your child. Good job!
** If your child is enrolled in college or technical training/school full time, begin the conversation now about your expectations for your child to launch within a short time after graduation/completion of training. This will likely annoy your child but it is so important that you begin the launching process now by communicating your expectations. Require your child to work during summer vacations and to land a job within 30 days of completion of their schooling regardless of whether or not the job is in their preferred line of work. They need to work at any safe, legal job if they are not in school full time. And they need at least a part time job if they are in school part time.
