How to Celebrate Safely

 So the holiday season approaches and brings up the big question:  how do we celebrate and stay safe from Covid?

Great question!

For the most up-to-the-minute health recommendations, follow this CDC link: 

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/prevention.html

Stay well!

Teresa

Teresa Heald, LCSW

Self Care for Parents of Struggling Kids

Has your child been diagnosed with a mental disorder such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, or PTSD?  If so, you as parent need to up your game in the realm of your own self care.

"Why increase the time and attention I give myself when it's my KID that's struggling?" you may ask.

Good question!

The answer is simple:  if the caregiver goes down, the whole family suffers.

Self care is not an option for any parent, especially a parent of a child with special needs.  Self care goes beyond lattes and pedicures, and is a lifestyle of nurturing yourself for optimal well-being.

Just being aware of your own needs and setting aside a bit of time daily to meet some of those needs will go a long long way towards keeping you emotionally and physically capable of navigating the difficult waters of raising a special needs child.

Carve out some time for you--DAILY--and you and your child will reap the benefits of a calmer, more engaged, and (dare I say) happier parent.

Be well!

How to Make A Scrapbook for Your Difficult Child Part 2

So, after reading this post, you know the benefits of creating a scrapbook for your hard-to-parent child.  Today's post will help you understand how scrapbooking your child's life can benefit YOU.

"What?  How can putting together a scrapbook help me?"

Please read this story from a now-believing parent, who graciously gave me permission to share it with you here:

"OK.  I did it.  I took your advice and bit the bullet and got M. (teen-ager) a scrapbook, some jazzy papers, and a package of flower stickers.  I felt so stupid at the check out, like this was a big waste of money and time.  But I did it anyway.  I'm glad you pushed me to do this Sweet 16 album like I always wanted to.  But after all the anger and arguments we've had since she turned 13, I had no desire to do anything extra for her.  She doesn't appreciate anything I did for her since then, why would this be any different?

I took the book home, and fired up my computer where I store all her photos.  I looked through tons until my eyes crossed, but got about 100 pics to print.  Ordered them.  Picked them up the next day.

Then I started sticking them to the jazzy papers, and as I was getting all scrappy, something happened:  I started reliving those good times.  All the sleep-overs with her best friends, each school picture since kindergarten, birthdays, Christmases, hair cuts, vacations, family photos, family pets,  piano recitals, soccer games, school carnivals, and Halloween costumes.

She had a great childhood.  A really fun and happy childhood with parties and friends and pets and activities and a mom who loved and still loves her.  Who took photos too!

I wasn't an awful mom.

I'n NOT an awful mom.

She has ADHD.  And it was and is really hard for both of us.  But we made it through her childhood.

I started writing really short blurbs about the pictures on small index cards cut in half like you said.  Not much, just names, dates, places--enough to tell the story part way.  Stuck them on the pages alongside the pics, and added a few flower stickers where I thought it looked nice.

I cried.  For her, for me, for some of her poor teachers.

I laughed at the tiger costume, the missing front tooth,  and her first and only camping trip.

You were right.  I "processed" a crap ton right there at the kitchen table.  Grief especially.  You were right.

When I stuck the last sticker on the last page and closed the book, a huge tidal wave of feelings plowed over me:  I cried again for her and for me, for the hard hard work I did raising her, and for her struggles at school and with some friends.  I cheered for us both for surviving the most crappy times, and I cheered for having completed a Sweet 16 album for her like I always wanted to.

Her response was the most unexpected.

When she opened the package the night of her party, she just started going through the scrapbook page by page, with everybody crowded around looking.  She told every story, and her sister, Grandpa, and her best friend added their own comments when they were part of the story too.  We laughed and laughed.  I told parts of stories too.  It took almost an entire hour!

When she got to the last page, she jumped up and gave me the biggest hug I've had from her since she was shorter than me.  Everybody cheered.  She told me it was the best thing ever and she actually told me she loved me!  It was like reality tv or something, but it's what happened.

It's only been a week since her party, but I've never felt so close to her.  It was the best gift I could have gotten her.  And the best gift for me too. "


Yes, there are so many ways a scrapbook may benefit you.  Not every parent's experience will be the same, and you may not receive such a welcoming response from your child, but this story illustrates several of the benefits you may receive when creating and giving a scrapbook.

Convinced?  Great!

Part 3 will take you through the easy-peasy steps to creating a fun and FAST scrapbook.

7 Tips for Caring for a Difficult Child

Some children are easy to parent:  they comply with your directions, pick up after themselves, get up for school on time without much trouble, work hard in their classrooms, do their homework and chores, get long with their siblings, and never get sent to the principal's office.

Other children are more difficult to parent:  they cry when they don't get their way, tantrum at just the wrong time and place (on the floor in a check out lane at Target), lose their homework, not only ignore but defy your directions, maybe smoke, maybe drink, maybe worse, argue with everyone including the dog, and spend more time in the principal's office than in class.  So how do you manage these kids?

Wow, I wish I had easy answers that work for every parent for every child in every situation, but I don't.  I do, however, have some helpful guidelines in your struggle to care for these tough kids.

1. Take care of yourself first!  That means making sure you have time scheduled for activities that bring your joy and fulfillment:  joining a softball league, taking time to go golfing with friends, a monthly massage or facial (or both!), daily solitude (an absolute must for me), or an afternoon alone with a good book while your child's aunt or grandparents take her to the park or the zoo.  I often remind parents:  If mama goes down, the whole family goes down.

2.  Increase your time spent in positive interactions with your child.  These tough kids are used to being scolded, sent to their rooms, lectured, and having their toys, cell phones, or computer privileges taken away.  Why not try to increase the "good times" you spend with your child?  You will be improving your parenting as well as building your relationship with your child.  And perhaps your child's behaviors may just improve!

3.  Check your child's schedule, and reduce or remove overwhelming activities.  Kids in the American culture today often have too much on their schedules.  Reducing time spent away from home may help your child cope more successfully with school and other necessary activities, such as medical or therapy appointments. 

4.  Get help for your child.  That means seeking out all the educational and community resources available, such as special education services, Medicaid, therapy, respite care, and community based one-on-one services.  Call your county's Children's Mental Health Services at the Department of Health and Welfare for assistance. 

5.  Look to improve your family's sleep habits.  Lack of sleep makes everything more difficult, and impairs your ability to function at your best.  This holds true for your child.  So, set a bedtime and do your best to stick to it.  No sensational (i.e. violent) news stories or action movies prior to bedtime, for you or your kids.  Also make sure that all fun electronics (cell phone, TV, gaming systems, computer, etc.) are removed from your child's room at bedtime, with the exception of something to play relaxing music.  Music CD's can be borrowed for free from your public library, and  if you have internet connection, use youtube.com and seek out relaxing music on any device that has internet capabilities.  Finally, if you or your child are still having trouble sleeping, talk to your family doctor or nurse practitioner about using melatonin or another safe sleep aid.  Melatonin was a life-saver for my little insomniacs!  But do clear it with your family doctor first.

6.  Get help for YOU!  That means your own therapy to help you cope thrive!  YOUR MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING ARE EVERY BIT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR CHILD'S.  Re-read that last sentence if the caps failed to gain your attention in your sleep-deprived state.

7.  This too shall pass.  "Sure it will!" you snort at me.  Well, it WILL pass.  I have lived through some dark times as a parent of a severely disabled child, and I am here to encourage you to not give up, but to press on through the most trying times and to look towards a better future:  yours as well as your child's.  There will come a time when you will have to manage fewer if any behavioral problems, you will have more sleep, and you will not have to answer phone calls from the principal.  I haven't had a phone call from a school principal in years.  You'll get there too!

Be well!