Mindfulness for Stress Reduction

Mindfulness can be an excellent tool to help reduce your experience of stress and help you to live a better life.

Mindfulness is simply being aware of your present situation, emotions, environment, body, thoughts, etc.

Let me give you an example: 

You and your teen-ager are discussing their use of the car this Friday night to go to a school function.  You say that this privilege is contingent upon their completing three missing assignments in math class.  Your teen begins to whine, complain, and resist.  Your blood pressure rises, as does the volume of your voice.  Then your teen gets defensive.  Before you know it, both you and your teen are in a full blown argument.  How did that happen again?

Without self-awareness and other-awareness, situations like this will continue to play out until your little darlin' launches off to college, career, or the military.

How do you practice mindfulness?

Good news!  Mindfulness is a learnable skill.  Here is a quick way (of many ways) to begin using mindfulness:

Take a deep breath.

Seriously.

Five or six in a row.

And just observe how you're feeling, what you're seeing, if your jaw or shoulders are clinched, what sounds you're hearing.

And pause.

Practicing mindfulness when you are alone and not agitated is a great way to improve the skill, so that when you ARE in a situation like I described above, you will be able to calm your nervous system and be able to think and act in a calmer way.

Try it, not just for a few times, but for a few times per day for several weeks.  Your experience of day-to-day stress is likely to drop, if not a large amount, then at least a small (but not insignificant) amount.

I believe you'll be very surprised at the results.

Peace and calm to you,

Teresa

Teresa Heald, LCSW

Self Care for Parents of Struggling Kids

Has your child been diagnosed with a mental disorder such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, or PTSD?  If so, you as parent need to up your game in the realm of your own self care.

"Why increase the time and attention I give myself when it's my KID that's struggling?" you may ask.

Good question!

The answer is simple:  if the caregiver goes down, the whole family suffers.

Self care is not an option for any parent, especially a parent of a child with special needs.  Self care goes beyond lattes and pedicures, and is a lifestyle of nurturing yourself for optimal well-being.

Just being aware of your own needs and setting aside a bit of time daily to meet some of those needs will go a long long way towards keeping you emotionally and physically capable of navigating the difficult waters of raising a special needs child.

Carve out some time for you--DAILY--and you and your child will reap the benefits of a calmer, more engaged, and (dare I say) happier parent.

Be well!

What To Do If Your Difficult Child Destroys Their Scrapbook

Some kids, regardless of their age, behave in destructive ways.  This happens in birth as well as in adoptive families due to early trauma and attachment issues, but it can also occur due to other issues such as ADHD, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and addictions.   Sometimes kids' destructive impulses turns towards family heirlooms, photos, and scrapbooks*.  What can you do if you want to create and give a scrapbook to your child but are also concerned about turning over precious photos and mementos to them?

Answer:  Go ahead and make the scrapbook, and keep the original one for yourself.  Take high quality photos of each page individually, and have those photos bound into a photo book from an on-line printer such as Shutterfly.

Order a copy for your (grown? teen?) child, and give them that copy instead of the original.  If they destroy the copy you gave them in a fit of anger, simply order them another one a few months later when things have smoothed over.

You can print multiple copies of these scrapbooks over time.  Isn't that handy?!  

You can also print books out for grandparents too, solving at least one year's "Oh no, what do we get Grandpa?" Christmas gift dilemma.

Problem(s) solved.

*  A life book is slightly different than a scrapbook, in that is has been created specifically for the adopted child to assist the child and family in integrating the child's past into the family's current and future structure.  It also helps the adopted child with issues surrounding belonging and identity.  I encourage adoptive families to create life books and to keep copies of these books in case the child acts out and destroys the original.   

How to Make a Scrapbook for Your Difficult Child Part 3

So, you've read Part 1 and Part 2.  Now you want to know how in the world to put together a scrapbook.

If you have never scrapbooked before, this will be (maybe) easy.

If you're a perfectionist, it will be more difficult.

If you're a seasoned scrapbooker, this will be harder still.  You are used to spending a lot of time on layouts and making things perfect.  Well, not the way I teach scrapbooking.  You will need to let go of your perfectionism and trust the process.

To everyone, please do not make this difficult for yourself.  Follow my directions and get SOMETHING MEMORABLE on each page.

To succeed in this process of creating a scrapbook, you need just a few things.  You can purchase all of these items (aside from photos and memorabilia) at Joann's, Michael's, Hobby Lobby, Walmart and other retail stores.

1.  An empty scrapbook (I like 12 inch by 12 inch albums) with photo safe, clear page protectors

2.  Colorful (patterned or just plain colored) archival papers, the size to fill the scrapbook

3.  Printed photos of your child from birth to now

4.  Any other add-on items (memorabilia) you may have regarding your child:  awards,  certificates,  samples of their artwork or trophies (if it can't fit in a scrapbook, take a photo and make a colored copy of the photo), maps of where they were born, lived, and attended school or church, photos of their special toys, ticket stubs, performance programs etc.

5.  Small pieces of archival paper upon which to write (the size of HALF of an index card)

6.  Two archival markers

7.  Scissors

8.  Archival photo adhesive (glue runner or tape)


This process can feel overwhelming, so begin by gathering each item until you have all 8 categories collected in one room.  I would set aside a guest room for this process, so you can leave your scrapbook in process and close the door when you need to take a break, go to work, go to sleep, or to get back to the rest of your family.

Start by going through all the photos, and deciding which ones you would like to incorporate into the album.  You don't have to include them all, just a sampling of your favorites.  Stick with this formula:  three 4 inch by 6 inch photos per page, maximum.  If you have 20 pages, then 20 times 3 is 60.  That should give you an idea of how many photos to keep.

If you want to include memorabilia, cut down on the number of photos you will include in the album.  Or if you want to include more photos than 60 AND you have lots of memorabilia, you can go purchase an additional set of scrapbook page protectors at the store.  But try to keep this project small-ish.  It's big enough as it is and it can grow out of control.  Release your need to have everything perfect.    

Organize all the photos into chronological order, from birth to now.   I'll wait while you do it....

(Two years later...ok maybe just a week or so...)

Welcome back!

Now, I want you to organize all the memorabilia in chronological order.  That should take a shorter time.  Maybe an hour or two.

You might cry while you're organizing these items.  That's ok.  Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions surface.  You are not just making a scrapbook; you are also processing the emotions surrounding parenting a tough kid, the emotions within the grieving process, and emotions underneath the trauma you may have experienced as a parent.  Take as many breaks as you need.  See your therapist for support as needed.

Please do NOT put in photos of awful times.  If you have few photos of certain years or eras, then go print some cute little poem off the internet and use that for one page, or copy your child's favorite meal on a recipe card and use that.   You have had enough of the bad times.  You will be processing many of those already.  Let this book be about the good that is within your child,  their childhood, and you as a parent.  Celebrate those good things.

If you lack sufficient photos of YOU with your child, you can remedy this as you're making the album.  Take selfies of you and your child having fun together, even in the car on your way to having fun!  Get those photos printed and make several two-page spreads of them!  (Keep reading, I'll explain a two-page spread.)

Once all the items are in chronological order,  collect two matching pages of colored/printed paper, and make a stack of them according to how many scrapbook pages there are.

Select one special paper for the first page, and one special paper for the last page.  These pages will stand alone.  (Open up the cover of the scrapbook and see: the first page is just ONE page.  The last page is just ONE page.)

All the other pages inside the scrapbook will be two-page spreads (two pages right next to each other that lay flat so you can see them both at the same time) and you want each two-page spread to have matching colored/patterned paper.  It adds order and symmetry to the album.

Now that you have papers paired, begin matching photos to pages, and lay out the photos right on top of the scrapbook papers.  When you find an arrangement that you like, use the adhesive and stick the photos/memorabilia down.  Don't obsess, just stick 'em on there!

This will take awhile.

You can either write on the half-size index card type papers now, or later.  Whatever you do, you do NOT need to write a novel.  Write the approximate date or age, the people with your child, and a quick memory.  Seriously, this will take 30 seconds per card.  No more than two cards per page.  You are saving memories, processing your child's childhood, and creating a keepsake gift all at once.  You are not writing a 500 page novel.  This is a scrapbook.  It doesn't need to be perfect.  Just get the stuff on the pages.

Your handwriting is special: it belongs to your child's parent (that's you).  Messy or not, use your own handwriting.  It makes each page more personal.

Stick the index-size papers on the pages; some may cover parts of the photos.  That's great.  It looks artsy.

Keep going until you have enough pages to fill your scrapbook.

Now, if you want a title, write your child's name in your own handwriting BIG on a full-size index-ish card, and stick it on that first page.

Place each page in chronological order in the page protectors.

Be prepared for what you might experience when you place that last page in the plastic sleeve and close the album.

Breathe.

How to Make A Scrapbook for Your Difficult Child Part 2

So, after reading this post, you know the benefits of creating a scrapbook for your hard-to-parent child.  Today's post will help you understand how scrapbooking your child's life can benefit YOU.

"What?  How can putting together a scrapbook help me?"

Please read this story from a now-believing parent, who graciously gave me permission to share it with you here:

"OK.  I did it.  I took your advice and bit the bullet and got M. (teen-ager) a scrapbook, some jazzy papers, and a package of flower stickers.  I felt so stupid at the check out, like this was a big waste of money and time.  But I did it anyway.  I'm glad you pushed me to do this Sweet 16 album like I always wanted to.  But after all the anger and arguments we've had since she turned 13, I had no desire to do anything extra for her.  She doesn't appreciate anything I did for her since then, why would this be any different?

I took the book home, and fired up my computer where I store all her photos.  I looked through tons until my eyes crossed, but got about 100 pics to print.  Ordered them.  Picked them up the next day.

Then I started sticking them to the jazzy papers, and as I was getting all scrappy, something happened:  I started reliving those good times.  All the sleep-overs with her best friends, each school picture since kindergarten, birthdays, Christmases, hair cuts, vacations, family photos, family pets,  piano recitals, soccer games, school carnivals, and Halloween costumes.

She had a great childhood.  A really fun and happy childhood with parties and friends and pets and activities and a mom who loved and still loves her.  Who took photos too!

I wasn't an awful mom.

I'n NOT an awful mom.

She has ADHD.  And it was and is really hard for both of us.  But we made it through her childhood.

I started writing really short blurbs about the pictures on small index cards cut in half like you said.  Not much, just names, dates, places--enough to tell the story part way.  Stuck them on the pages alongside the pics, and added a few flower stickers where I thought it looked nice.

I cried.  For her, for me, for some of her poor teachers.

I laughed at the tiger costume, the missing front tooth,  and her first and only camping trip.

You were right.  I "processed" a crap ton right there at the kitchen table.  Grief especially.  You were right.

When I stuck the last sticker on the last page and closed the book, a huge tidal wave of feelings plowed over me:  I cried again for her and for me, for the hard hard work I did raising her, and for her struggles at school and with some friends.  I cheered for us both for surviving the most crappy times, and I cheered for having completed a Sweet 16 album for her like I always wanted to.

Her response was the most unexpected.

When she opened the package the night of her party, she just started going through the scrapbook page by page, with everybody crowded around looking.  She told every story, and her sister, Grandpa, and her best friend added their own comments when they were part of the story too.  We laughed and laughed.  I told parts of stories too.  It took almost an entire hour!

When she got to the last page, she jumped up and gave me the biggest hug I've had from her since she was shorter than me.  Everybody cheered.  She told me it was the best thing ever and she actually told me she loved me!  It was like reality tv or something, but it's what happened.

It's only been a week since her party, but I've never felt so close to her.  It was the best gift I could have gotten her.  And the best gift for me too. "


Yes, there are so many ways a scrapbook may benefit you.  Not every parent's experience will be the same, and you may not receive such a welcoming response from your child, but this story illustrates several of the benefits you may receive when creating and giving a scrapbook.

Convinced?  Great!

Part 3 will take you through the easy-peasy steps to creating a fun and FAST scrapbook.

How to Make a Scrapbook for Your Difficult Child Part 1

Do you have a child, foster child, or grandchild that is difficult to parent?

Welcome to the club of Extreme Parents(!) where superheroes are REAL (that would be you, and members of your child's treatment team), capes totally optional (or not), and time moves both slow ("Isn't it her bedtime yet?!") and fast ("Where did my alone time go?!").

But before you know it, your Lil Firecracker will be grown, and their childhood a blurry, faded memory.

There are some things you will be glad to leave in the blurry, faded past, such as temper tantrums, IEP meetings, and coordinating and chauffeuring Lil Firecracker to multiple medical/therapy appointments each week.

But I don't want you to leave behind the GOOD memories.  Yes, there are many good memories, and I'm here to help you remember and preserve them.

Friends, I'm talking about scrapbooking.

Please don't gag.  Or roll your eyes.

The scrapbook craze that dominated the early part of this century fizzled out to a glowing ember, but a well-put-together scrapbook has so many benefits--therapeutic benefits--for not only Lil Firecracker, but for YOU as well.

Here are a few ways in which a scrapbook may benefit your child:

1.  Improved relationship between you and your child.  WOW!  Yes, it CAN happen!
2.  Greater sense of continuity and belonging.
3.  Increased sense of self, which assists with self-esteem issues (children learn to esteem themselves by mirroring the opinions that primary caregivers have of them).
4.  Feelings of family pride, even in foster families.
5.  Can help to heal past hurts within their family story.
6.  When a child or teen helps create, maintain (keeps adding to the book),  and then looks through the scrapbook over and over with you, it can provide you and your child with more quiet, crafty activities and bonding experiences.
7.  Preserving and reliving memories can make NEW memories too.  Whatadeal!

With all these benefits, I'm sure you're ready to get started right now!

OK, we'll wait until you've had your coffee.

Part 2 will explain how putting together your child's scrapbook can help YOU.

Part 3 will explain how to actually create a scrapbook.   FAST.

Don't worry!  You don't have to be artsy or crafty to do this.  You don't have to sacrifice all your free time either.  I'll walk you through each step.   You won't regret the time and effort you invest in this very important and worthwhile project.

7 Tips for Caring for a Difficult Child

Some children are easy to parent:  they comply with your directions, pick up after themselves, get up for school on time without much trouble, work hard in their classrooms, do their homework and chores, get long with their siblings, and never get sent to the principal's office.

Other children are more difficult to parent:  they cry when they don't get their way, tantrum at just the wrong time and place (on the floor in a check out lane at Target), lose their homework, not only ignore but defy your directions, maybe smoke, maybe drink, maybe worse, argue with everyone including the dog, and spend more time in the principal's office than in class.  So how do you manage these kids?

Wow, I wish I had easy answers that work for every parent for every child in every situation, but I don't.  I do, however, have some helpful guidelines in your struggle to care for these tough kids.

1. Take care of yourself first!  That means making sure you have time scheduled for activities that bring your joy and fulfillment:  joining a softball league, taking time to go golfing with friends, a monthly massage or facial (or both!), daily solitude (an absolute must for me), or an afternoon alone with a good book while your child's aunt or grandparents take her to the park or the zoo.  I often remind parents:  If mama goes down, the whole family goes down.

2.  Increase your time spent in positive interactions with your child.  These tough kids are used to being scolded, sent to their rooms, lectured, and having their toys, cell phones, or computer privileges taken away.  Why not try to increase the "good times" you spend with your child?  You will be improving your parenting as well as building your relationship with your child.  And perhaps your child's behaviors may just improve!

3.  Check your child's schedule, and reduce or remove overwhelming activities.  Kids in the American culture today often have too much on their schedules.  Reducing time spent away from home may help your child cope more successfully with school and other necessary activities, such as medical or therapy appointments. 

4.  Get help for your child.  That means seeking out all the educational and community resources available, such as special education services, Medicaid, therapy, respite care, and community based one-on-one services.  Call your county's Children's Mental Health Services at the Department of Health and Welfare for assistance. 

5.  Look to improve your family's sleep habits.  Lack of sleep makes everything more difficult, and impairs your ability to function at your best.  This holds true for your child.  So, set a bedtime and do your best to stick to it.  No sensational (i.e. violent) news stories or action movies prior to bedtime, for you or your kids.  Also make sure that all fun electronics (cell phone, TV, gaming systems, computer, etc.) are removed from your child's room at bedtime, with the exception of something to play relaxing music.  Music CD's can be borrowed for free from your public library, and  if you have internet connection, use youtube.com and seek out relaxing music on any device that has internet capabilities.  Finally, if you or your child are still having trouble sleeping, talk to your family doctor or nurse practitioner about using melatonin or another safe sleep aid.  Melatonin was a life-saver for my little insomniacs!  But do clear it with your family doctor first.

6.  Get help for YOU!  That means your own therapy to help you cope thrive!  YOUR MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING ARE EVERY BIT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR CHILD'S.  Re-read that last sentence if the caps failed to gain your attention in your sleep-deprived state.

7.  This too shall pass.  "Sure it will!" you snort at me.  Well, it WILL pass.  I have lived through some dark times as a parent of a severely disabled child, and I am here to encourage you to not give up, but to press on through the most trying times and to look towards a better future:  yours as well as your child's.  There will come a time when you will have to manage fewer if any behavioral problems, you will have more sleep, and you will not have to answer phone calls from the principal.  I haven't had a phone call from a school principal in years.  You'll get there too!

Be well!