So, by now the world has heard of COVID-19 (Coronavirus Disease 2019). Here is a Johns Hopkins Whiting School of Engineering dashboard to keep up-to-date on the spread of this illness. It lists total cases confirmed worldwide, total deaths, and total recovered.
So, feel free to click the link and go assure yourself that (at the time I'm writing this) the overwhelming majority of people who have contracted this illness are recovering from it! That is why I'm suggesting not to panic.
Please take the precautions that the World Health Organization suggests here. If you are immune-compromised in any way, or are otherwise at high risk for contracting COVID-19, contact your primary medical provider this week and follow their suggested plan to avoid getting sick, a plan specific for YOU. Do not panic. If you do happen to get sick, contact your primary medical provider and carefully follow their instructions for treatment.
Now that those public service announcement-type suggestions are out of the way, here are health statistics that are also incredibly important to acknowledge:
Every year, according to the United Nations, 50,000 women are killed by their intimate partners or family members.
Why isn't THIS issue causing widespread global panic? 50,000 preventable deaths annually. That's about 4167 women dying per month from being murdered by an intimate partner or a family member.
Why is something soooo preventable such as domestic violence not being touted as a "pandemic?"
Hmm.
Yes, please use hand sanitizer, cough into your elbow, don't touch your face unless you just washed your hands, and wear a mask in order to prevent contracting and spreading COVID-19.
However, ending domestic violence will take so much more. For starters, you can read up on boundaries, co-dependency, assertiveness, and communication; stay connected (or build connections) to healthy friends and other social supports; advocate for social justice everywhere (work, school, home, community, the legal and court system, your workplace, religious organizations); work to improve access to resources (especially financial, education, and health care) for all humans; learn to recognize the signs of domestic violence; take a strong stance against violence towards all humans (this includes standing up for abused children and for victims of bullying); help victims get out and get treatment as soon as possible; help perpetrators be held accountable and get treatment as soon as possible; advocate for women's rights, educate yourself and share the knowledge with others on how to spot a batterer early in a relationship, and then as a global family, we can end this global domestic violence pandemic together.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse from an intimate partner, roommate, family member, or someone else, please contact the USA based National Domestic Violence Hotline either on the internet here (if you don't fear the abuser discovering you visited that website) or call 1-800-799-7233. It's free and confidential. Be safe. Be strong. You are important!
Showing posts with label intimate partner violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intimate partner violence. Show all posts
Sunday, March 8, 2020
Monday, January 14, 2019
Self Help for Struggling Couples
Are you and your normally close spouse struggling to get along? Are resentments building, free time diminishing, and avoidance (of time together) increasing?
Good news, because there is hope to help your struggling marriage. Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love by Marcia Berger LMFT (New World Library, 2014) provides an on-going answer to married couples growing apart.
This strategy, which involves a set marriage meeting for 30 minutes every week, fosters love, encouragement, teamwork, and (yes even) romance for struggling couples. Couples focus on four specific areas and limit the time they spend discussing issues in order to improve how they relate to each other.
A weekly marriage meeting is a great idea for generally healthy marriages* that need some help or for partners who have lost some of the spark they once felt. This strategy is appropriate for couples who already know how to communicate in a non-blaming and respectful manner. If this describes your marriage, then read through the book with your spouse, and begin to implement the 30 minute weekly marriage meeting. You may be surprised at the positive results!
If you and your partner have trouble communicating, perhaps several sessions with a couples counselor will provide you with the guidance and tools you need to improve your life together. THEN implement weekly marriage meetings for on-going marriage enrichment. Best wishes for a happier life together!
*For marriages in which untreated addictions, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, financial), or other serious safety/health issues arise, both parties would greatly benefit from seeing individual therapists to address and work to resolve their own issues. Couples counseling is NOT an appropriate answer to these serious issues in a marriage.
Good news, because there is hope to help your struggling marriage. Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love by Marcia Berger LMFT (New World Library, 2014) provides an on-going answer to married couples growing apart.
This strategy, which involves a set marriage meeting for 30 minutes every week, fosters love, encouragement, teamwork, and (yes even) romance for struggling couples. Couples focus on four specific areas and limit the time they spend discussing issues in order to improve how they relate to each other.
A weekly marriage meeting is a great idea for generally healthy marriages* that need some help or for partners who have lost some of the spark they once felt. This strategy is appropriate for couples who already know how to communicate in a non-blaming and respectful manner. If this describes your marriage, then read through the book with your spouse, and begin to implement the 30 minute weekly marriage meeting. You may be surprised at the positive results!
If you and your partner have trouble communicating, perhaps several sessions with a couples counselor will provide you with the guidance and tools you need to improve your life together. THEN implement weekly marriage meetings for on-going marriage enrichment. Best wishes for a happier life together!
*For marriages in which untreated addictions, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, financial), or other serious safety/health issues arise, both parties would greatly benefit from seeing individual therapists to address and work to resolve their own issues. Couples counseling is NOT an appropriate answer to these serious issues in a marriage.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Setting Boundaries with Bulldozers
Do you know someone who, whenever you tell them no, either ignores your no or relentlessly wears you down trying to talk you into a yes?
Those people are bulldozers*. They don't respect your boundaries, and they plow over any boundary you attempt to create.
Another word for bulldozers? Bullies.
Bullies want what they want and stop at almost nothing to get it. From you.
You don't need that in your life.
It is likely that your entire relationship with this bully has been a power differential: they exert more power than you and have been violating your boundaries for the duration of the time you've been in relationship with them.
It's time to take your power back.
Here is the short version of how to set boundaries with bullies. (The long version takes place over several sessions of skills training in a counselor's office.)
First, get in touch with what boundary a particular bully keeps crossing. Perhaps you are frustrated with two hour long phone calls with a "friend" whose friendship, you've discovered, is completely one way and drains you dry. Or a co-worker that keeps hitting you up for lunch money, gas money, a ride here, a ride there. Or your cousin (sister, uncle, child, parent) whose teasing at family gatherings has crossed a line (maybe it always crossed the boundaries of kindness, but you're just now seeing it for what it really is...bullying), and you're fed up. GOOD. Figure out the boundary that's been crossed and label it in your mind, "This is the boundary that So-and-So keeps crossing."
Second, determine how you're going to set (or re-set) the boundary, and how to communicate this to the bulldozer/bully. You may want a face-to-face visit, but I would really recommend a letter or email. Here's why: it gives you time to VENT and EDIT before communicating your limits, it gives you emotional distance from the bully (communicating with bullies can be really uncomfortable, and sometimes frightening), and it helps you to remember what you actually said to the bulldozer when--not if, but WHEN--this person comes back and steps across (or jumps over, or demolishes) your boundary.
Third, communicate using "When you ______________ (do not respect my no, call me and talk for two hours, make fun of my career choice, ask to borrow money), I feel _____________ (angry, violated, disrespected, sad, offended, used, disappointed)." I need you to respect my boundaries. I will no longer _____________ (be open for two hour phone conversations, be your chauffeur, lend you money, listen to your teasing without verbally letting you know that it's teasing and then I'll walk away from our conversation)."
Fourth, prepare for backlash. It will happen; they will test your boundaries and that's when you stand firm and follow through in the way you said you would in your letter/email. THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.
Why? There are risks to setting boundaries.
You're not used to standing up to this person, and this person may no longer want to be in relationship with you if you set and keep healthy boundaries. They might increase their bullying behavior, pull away, or change tactics. But a bulldozer painted hot pink is still a bulldozer.
Or, if this person* is a batterer, then you could actually be in physical danger if you set a boundary.
And, when you change one part of a relationship, your entire relationship will change too, in some way, and it might not be in the way you hoped.
But there are sooo many risks to NOT setting boundaries. You risk being controlled by these people, risk not living the life you want, risk becoming more and more angry, frustrated, and hurt. You owe it to yourself to feel good about you and be involved with healthy, growing, and respectful people who respect your no and whose "no's" you respect.
It's your choice to set boundaries. Set and keep healthy ones, and get help if you need it. You are worth it!!
Be well!
* If someone has threatened your life, physically hurts you, forces you to do things you don't want to do (drugs, commit crimes, lie for them), tries to convince you to stop acting in health-promoting ways (tells you to stop attending your 12-Step meetings, pressures you to stop taking your medications or stop seeing your health care provider), minimizes your accomplishments, speaks to you in degrading ways, or tries to keep you from having access to your phone, money, car, healthy friends and safe family members, you are in an abusive relationship and need help to get out. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline (free if you're in the USA) at (800) 799-7233.
Those people are bulldozers*. They don't respect your boundaries, and they plow over any boundary you attempt to create.
Another word for bulldozers? Bullies.
Bullies want what they want and stop at almost nothing to get it. From you.
You don't need that in your life.
It is likely that your entire relationship with this bully has been a power differential: they exert more power than you and have been violating your boundaries for the duration of the time you've been in relationship with them.
It's time to take your power back.
Here is the short version of how to set boundaries with bullies. (The long version takes place over several sessions of skills training in a counselor's office.)
First, get in touch with what boundary a particular bully keeps crossing. Perhaps you are frustrated with two hour long phone calls with a "friend" whose friendship, you've discovered, is completely one way and drains you dry. Or a co-worker that keeps hitting you up for lunch money, gas money, a ride here, a ride there. Or your cousin (sister, uncle, child, parent) whose teasing at family gatherings has crossed a line (maybe it always crossed the boundaries of kindness, but you're just now seeing it for what it really is...bullying), and you're fed up. GOOD. Figure out the boundary that's been crossed and label it in your mind, "This is the boundary that So-and-So keeps crossing."
Second, determine how you're going to set (or re-set) the boundary, and how to communicate this to the bulldozer/bully. You may want a face-to-face visit, but I would really recommend a letter or email. Here's why: it gives you time to VENT and EDIT before communicating your limits, it gives you emotional distance from the bully (communicating with bullies can be really uncomfortable, and sometimes frightening), and it helps you to remember what you actually said to the bulldozer when--not if, but WHEN--this person comes back and steps across (or jumps over, or demolishes) your boundary.
Third, communicate using "When you ______________ (do not respect my no, call me and talk for two hours, make fun of my career choice, ask to borrow money), I feel _____________ (angry, violated, disrespected, sad, offended, used, disappointed)." I need you to respect my boundaries. I will no longer _____________ (be open for two hour phone conversations, be your chauffeur, lend you money, listen to your teasing without verbally letting you know that it's teasing and then I'll walk away from our conversation)."
Fourth, prepare for backlash. It will happen; they will test your boundaries and that's when you stand firm and follow through in the way you said you would in your letter/email. THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.
Why? There are risks to setting boundaries.
You're not used to standing up to this person, and this person may no longer want to be in relationship with you if you set and keep healthy boundaries. They might increase their bullying behavior, pull away, or change tactics. But a bulldozer painted hot pink is still a bulldozer.
Or, if this person* is a batterer, then you could actually be in physical danger if you set a boundary.
And, when you change one part of a relationship, your entire relationship will change too, in some way, and it might not be in the way you hoped.
But there are sooo many risks to NOT setting boundaries. You risk being controlled by these people, risk not living the life you want, risk becoming more and more angry, frustrated, and hurt. You owe it to yourself to feel good about you and be involved with healthy, growing, and respectful people who respect your no and whose "no's" you respect.
It's your choice to set boundaries. Set and keep healthy ones, and get help if you need it. You are worth it!!
Be well!
* If someone has threatened your life, physically hurts you, forces you to do things you don't want to do (drugs, commit crimes, lie for them), tries to convince you to stop acting in health-promoting ways (tells you to stop attending your 12-Step meetings, pressures you to stop taking your medications or stop seeing your health care provider), minimizes your accomplishments, speaks to you in degrading ways, or tries to keep you from having access to your phone, money, car, healthy friends and safe family members, you are in an abusive relationship and need help to get out. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline (free if you're in the USA) at (800) 799-7233.
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