How to Celebrate Safely

 So the holiday season approaches and brings up the big question:  how do we celebrate and stay safe from Covid?

Great question!

For the most up-to-the-minute health recommendations, follow this CDC link: 

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/prevention.html

Stay well!

Teresa

Teresa Heald, LCSW

How to Motivate Yourself to Accomplish Difficult Things

Motivation and goal achievement are hard enough.  It can be extremely difficult when you are living with depression, anxiety, or other health conditions.  

Or also if you're faced with something overwhelming and frightening, like...living through a global pandemic. 

So, here are a few quick tips to help you overcome your late January motivational slump:

1.  Make a list of your top two or three tasks per day (or per hour, depending upon your level of busyness and responsibilities.).  Cross them off when you do them.  Yay! It feels good to accomplish stuff!

2.  Plan a reward for each task completed that is in line with your new habit goal.  Think of low- or no-cost rewards, and consider your five senses too.  For example, I recommend using scented body wash and shampoo as a reward (actually a tool) to help people meet their waking up by _______ a.m./p.m. goal (whatever your be-out-of-bed goal happens to be).  So, let's say your wake up goal is 6:30 a.m.  On the days you get out of bed and into the shower before or by 6:30, you reward yourself with using the scented products.  If you don't make your goal, you use regular or unscented products.  (If you have allergies or sensory aversions to commercial scents, try adding a skin-safe essential oil to unscented products or light a natural candle as a reward).  Other rewards can include listening to a favorite song, watching the sunrise, petting your dog or cat, calling a friend, eating your preferred breakfast, or (wait for it) wearing a new pair of socks.  I know!  New socks feel amazing!  (It doesn't take much to thrill us during this pandemic, does it?) The possibilities for small rewards are endless.  

3.  Cut yourself some slack.  We are in the midst of a global pandemic that has turned our world upside down.  So, if you broke your new year's resolution to start exercising daily, then please stop beating yourself up.  Be kind to yourself!  Maybe shorten the goal to something more achievable, such as exercise three times per week, and instead of an hour (gah!) each time you do exercise, maybe start with, hmm, five minutes?  Smaller goals are less intimidating than big, scary ones, are easier to complete, and give you the satisfaction of making progress--however small--towards your best life.

Be immensely kind to yourself.  Change is difficult.  

If you're finding yourself really struggling with day-to-day life, you may benefit from seeing a counselor.  Many (including me) offer sessions via privacy-safe on-line platforms or via phone.  Some insurance companies are covering the entire cost for mental health services provided via telehealth or phone!  Call your insurer to find out what mental health benefits your policy covers*.

Now, since you accomplished reading this post to the end, go reward yourself with some Eagles music, a funny cat video, or a pair of nice fluffy socks.

Happy 2021!

Teresa

Teresa Heald LCSW

* If you do not have health insurance, or are under-insured, and are living in the United States, there are ways to access free or very low cost health services, including mental health counseling.  Your place of worship may offer free counseling, universities and colleges near your home may have an internship program that offers free counseling by supervised graduate students, or you can contact the National Health Service Corps.  You can find a location close to you here:  https://findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/ or call them directly, their contact information is here: https://nhsc.hrsa.gov/about-us 

Self Care for Parents of Struggling Kids

Has your child been diagnosed with a mental disorder such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, or PTSD?  If so, you as parent need to up your game in the realm of your own self care.

"Why increase the time and attention I give myself when it's my KID that's struggling?" you may ask.

Good question!

The answer is simple:  if the caregiver goes down, the whole family suffers.

Self care is not an option for any parent, especially a parent of a child with special needs.  Self care goes beyond lattes and pedicures, and is a lifestyle of nurturing yourself for optimal well-being.

Just being aware of your own needs and setting aside a bit of time daily to meet some of those needs will go a long long way towards keeping you emotionally and physically capable of navigating the difficult waters of raising a special needs child.

Carve out some time for you--DAILY--and you and your child will reap the benefits of a calmer, more engaged, and (dare I say) happier parent.

Be well!

Self Help for Struggling Couples

Are you and your normally close spouse struggling to get along?  Are resentments building, free time diminishing, and avoidance (of time together) increasing?

Good news, because there is hope to help your struggling marriage. Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love by Marcia Berger LMFT (New World Library, 2014) provides an on-going answer to married couples growing apart.

This strategy, which involves a set marriage meeting for 30 minutes every week, fosters love, encouragement, teamwork, and (yes even) romance for struggling couples.  Couples focus on four specific areas and limit the time they spend discussing issues in order to improve how they relate to each other.

A weekly marriage meeting is a great idea for generally healthy marriages* that need some help or for partners who have lost some of the spark they once felt.  This strategy is appropriate for couples who already know how to communicate in a non-blaming and respectful manner.  If this describes your marriage, then read through the book with your spouse, and begin to implement the 30 minute weekly marriage meeting.  You may be surprised at the positive results!

If you and your partner have trouble communicating, perhaps several sessions with a couples counselor will provide you with the guidance and tools you need to improve your life together.  THEN implement weekly marriage meetings for on-going marriage enrichment.  Best wishes for a happier life together!


*For marriages in which untreated addictions, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, financial), or other serious safety/health issues arise, both parties would greatly benefit from seeing individual therapists to address and work to resolve their own issues.  Couples counseling is NOT an appropriate answer to these serious issues in a marriage. 

Launching your 20-Something Grown Child

Part of your job as a parent is to teach your child to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible.*  If you have a 20-something still living at home who is not working or going to school, you have not yet completed your biggest role in helping your child resolve this important developmental process of growing up.  Here are some ideas to help move this process along.

1.  Let me say this gently (ok, perhaps bluntly but with much compassion for you and your grown child in my heart):  you are likely the biggest obstacle to your child's failure to launch.  Not the economy, not the housing market, not that high school who failed to teach your child how to rent an apartment and get a job, and not your ex.  YOU.  By allowing your child to stay at home without requiring some manner of forward motion towards independence--such as holding down a job and/or going to college or technical training--you are fostering unhealthy dependence.  Recognizing and owning your role in this problem is the first step to resolving this untenable situation.

2.  Create a launch plan with deadlines.  You have every right to expect a grown up living under your roof to contribute financially towards bills and upkeep (unless they are in school FULL TIME**).  Perhaps create a plan in which they get a job (any honest job) within 30 days, pay their cell phone bill and their car insurance fully within 60 days, make a healthy contribution to their food and household supplies costs 30 days after that, and rent and utilities 30 days beyond that.  Your goal is not to gouge your grown child financially, but to help them assume full responsibility for themselves.  Make the deadlines reasonable but firm, and make the cost of rent sting a bit.  They have been comfortable loafing around home for far too long, and there they will stay until YOU make moving out more attractive than hanging out at home.  Charging them rent can be the push they need to leave the nest.

3.  Help them set up a simple budget.  Set them up for success and give them a simple, half-page budget.  This will help them learn to pay you on time, and get them in the practice of managing their money before they leave the nest.

4.  Do not expect your child to launch successfully overnight.  It's a process.  You and your grown child need to learn and practice new ways of relating to and communicating with each other, as adults.  Adults pull their own weight in life and do not mooch off of other people.  You've taught them to mooch off you (yes, you have, but don't beat yourself up about it, let's fix it!).  You definitely need to begin the process with the end (launching out of the home and being fully self-supporting) in mind.  Depending upon how much you have enabled your grown child to depend solely on you to meet their needs, this could take 3 months to a year.   If it takes longer, you're dragging this out beyond what may be healthy for you and for your grown child.  Or they have some other complicating issue such as rebounding from an early divorce, single parenthood, job loss, or recovering from an illness that could understandably make launching take a little longer.  Plan your launching schedule with these factors in mind, give them a little, not a lot, of leeway, and assure them that full launching is still possible, it may just take a little longer than one year. 

5.  Expect change to be challenging.  Your child will resist the actions they need to take to grow up and move out.  Expect resistance in the form of whining, arguing, pouting, regressive behaviors (I know one grown child who, when dad gently confronted him about these issues, started jumping on the living room furniture like a four year old, seriously!), suddenly developing an illness ("Oh well, I have a cold, guess I can't look for work this week"), and making excuses and promises they don't keep.  This is part of the change process of maturing.  So is making mistakes!  Expect them.  (But do NOT give up or give in.  These kids need to launch!)

6.  If mental illness, substance abuse, violence, or internet/gaming or other addictions are involved, get help.  These issues go beyond the norm of what you are able to manage alone in your role as parent.  You need help in navigating these muddy and dangerous waters.  Seek out a psychotherapist or counselor with experience in treating these conditions and YOU go see them.  You will need the support of a skilled mental health professional yourself in order to make the emotional and behavioral changes necessary on your part, so that you can be there to hold your child accountable and empower them to do their part.  Follow the counselor's advice carefully.  You may also need to involve law enforcement and/or an attorney.  Seek all the help available.

7.   Understand that grief (yours and your kid's) is likely part of the process as well.  This preparation to launch signifies the end of their childhood.  You may experience sadness, regret, despair, anger, fear, and sheer elation (yes!) at the thought of your child moving into true adulthood.  Talk with your psychotherapist or counselor about your feelings so that you do not subconsciously act them out.  Don't keep your grown child stuck in dependence upon you because you don't want to face and process your own emotions about their growing up and moving on.  Don't sabotage yourself or your kid!

8.  This is hard work.  You invested years of hard work in raising your precious little grown-up loafer.  It's HARD to get them to finish the process.  It's HARD for you to accept that you have been enabling them to mooch off you since high school graduation.  And it's HARD to release them when they are ready to face the big, wide world without you there every minute to micromanage their work and school schedule, wardrobe, social media, and homework.  Acknowledge the effort you have put into raising them thus far.  And acknowledge how hard it feels at times while you keep moving them forward to full launch mode.  Bah.  It stinks!  Yes, it's tough, but you can do it!

9.  Celebrate your grown kid's every step towards greater independence and self-sufficiency.   Practicing and claiming personal power is a tough developmental task, and your grown child needs your support rather than "I told you so," or "...if you would just take my advice!"  Be their biggest cheering section as they take these faltering steps towards adulthood.  They will launch.  You can  empower them to do this.

Warm wishes to you and your grown child as you begin this new adventure!


*  If your child has a permanent disabling condition, self-sufficiency may look a little different.  Your grown child may require care providers to assist with day-to-day tasks in order to live as independently as possible.  If this is the case and your grown child does not live with you, then you have successfully launched your child.   Good job!

**  If your child is enrolled in college or technical training/school full time, begin the conversation now about your expectations for your child to launch within a short time after graduation/completion of training.  This will likely annoy your child but it is so important that you begin the launching process now by communicating your expectations.  Require your child to work during summer vacations and to land a job within 30 days of completion of their schooling regardless of whether or not the job is in their preferred line of work.  They need to work at any safe, legal job if they are not in school full time.  And they need at least a part time job if they are in school part time.

More Quick Tips for Managing Anxiety

Do you worry a lot?  Do you feel nervous, do your palms feel sweaty, are your muscles tense, or do you feel a little nauseous in unfamiliar or even normal day-to-day interactions?

These can all be symptoms of anxiety.  Every one of us has, at one time or another, experienced one or some of the above symptoms.  Of course, only a mental or medical health professional can accurately diagnose and treat a true anxiety disorder, but here are a few quick tips to help when you experience feelings of anxiety:

1.  Breathe.  Without noticing it, oftentimes when we are nervous our breathing becomes shallow, making us feel more tense.  Taking several deep breaths can really help to reduce your in-the-moment feelings of anxiety.  And you can do this anywhere:  in the line at the grocery store, while sitting in traffic, around the dinner table with your in-laws, and while discussing curfew and driving privileges with your 16 year-old.

2.  Reduce your caffeine intake.  Caffeine is a stimulant and can increase your feelings of jitteriness and anxiety.  Limit your intake of caffeine, especially around times of change and unfamiliar situations.

3.  Plan ahead and prepare.  Some feelings of anxiety arise because you have a big project or deadline looming ahead of you and you feel unprepared.  One way to feel less anxious is to assume more control of a situation.  A great way to do this is through careful planning and following through with your plans.  Planning and preparing ahead can help to alleviate some of those anxious feelings.

Be well!

Secrets to Thriving with ADHD

Do you or someone close to you struggle in day-to-day life with ADHD?

Good news!  One of my specialties is helping adults, teens, and kids to THRIVE--not just survive--with ADHD.  I have two grown sons who were diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school, long before I was a therapist.  I learned many tips from their mental health care providers, doctors, teachers, and therapists.  I also learned and continue to learn and create effective techniques as a therapist, to help YOU and the people you love to live great lives with ADHD.

Here are a few secrets to thriving with ADHD.  These secrets took me YEARS to learn!  I would be so happy if you shared these with as many families impacted by ADHD as you can so that they can thrive too!

1.  Reduce your household inventory.  A big challenge for many people living with ADHD is the disorganization and clutter in their homes and lives.   The best way to address this is to drastically reduce the amount of stuff in their homes and lives.  This means a huge and massive decluttering.

2.  Plan ahead.  Oh how long it took me to learn this secret to help my kids and clients and how effect it can be!  The act of planning reduces impulsive actions, and many of the relationship and work problems that impact people with ADHD are caused by their impulsivity.  Planning greatly reduces this!

3.  Work on getting enough sleep.  Sleep is so vital for healthy functioning and good relationships.  Check out this post for some tips on getting a good night's sleep.

4.  Exercise daily.  Exercise improves mood, releases endorphins, and helps reduce stress (and living with ADHD can be stressful!).  Find exercise that you enjoy and indulge in this form of self-care daily.  ALWAYS CHECK WITH YOUR PRIMARY DOCTOR FIRST BEFORE BEGINNING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

5.  Get out into nature as often as possible.  Nature has so many benefits, including helping to calm an overactive mind.  When I say "nature," I mean quiet, uncrowded green space (or snowy space, or beach and water space).  Indulge as often as you can and reap the benefits that nature freely offers us.

6.  Focus on and build your strengths.  So may people immediately focus on the negative aspects of ADHD:  the distractability, the forgetfulness, the interrupting behaviors, and trouble with memory and impulse control.  When my oldest son entered basic training in the US Army, I was discussing my concerns over his ADHD and how he would fare as a front-line infantryman, and my colleague, a well-respected marriage and family therapist, energetically exclaimed that being an infantryman in the Army was a perfect job for my ADHD son:  he has the capacity to multi-task in life and death situations.  I am relieved to tell you that my son successfully completed deployment to a war zone, faced and survived battle, and earned several medals as a result of his exemplary service to our country.  ADHD can be a strength indeed!

7.  Talk therapy (also called counseling or psychotherapy).  While ADHD has benefits, it also has drawbacks.  ADHD is a lifelong condition that has the capacity to negatively impact many areas of a person's life.  Having an understanding and knowledgeable mental health professional with whom to talk can greatly improve relationships, functioning at school and work, and help a person to learn even more ways to thrive with ADHD.  If you live in Idaho and feel that counseling can help you learn to live with ADHD (or learn to live with SOMEONE ELSE who has ADHD!), please email me (teresahealdconsulting"at"gmail.com) to inquire about scheduling a counseling session and begin to discover even more ways to thrive with ADHD!