How to Celebrate Safely

 So the holiday season approaches and brings up the big question:  how do we celebrate and stay safe from Covid?

Great question!

For the most up-to-the-minute health recommendations, follow this CDC link: 

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/prevention.html

Stay well!

Teresa

Teresa Heald, LCSW

Holiday Stress Busters

 Let's get right to it:  you're stressed!  This time of year is very difficult for many people, especially with this year's social distancing and business/school/activity/fun restrictions.  (Yes, I did in fact say "fun" restrictions....)

Here are a few quick ideas on how to bring back some happy into your holidays:

1.  Spend time with a pet.  Animals are so wonderful. Take your dog out for a walk, just bundle up well if it's cold.  Or play with your cat (if they'll let you) or other critter.  You'll both feel better for it.

2.  Reduce your expectations.  We're all living through a global pandemic, so cut yourself some slack!  If you don't want to follow your holiday decorating, baking, or gift giving rituals, then DON'T.  Or scale back.  Instead of a bedazzled Christmas tree drooping from the weight of four generations of ornaments, and hearths overcrowded with enough poinsettias to poison every cat in Connecticut, step back, and afford yourself the luxury of doing things the easy way this year.  Put up a wreath.  Set up one candle display (advent, menorah, kinara, or other).  Bake ONE kind of cookie.  Whatever your spiritual or cultural practices are for this time of year, reduce your expectations!  No one will DIE if you do, and the reduced stress will help everyone's health.

3.  Keep what's most meaningful to you.  If you can't bear to live through this season without a bedazzled Christmas tree, then reduce other areas of holiday stress so that you KEEP what is most meaningful to you.  For example, I love to give gifts.  Love. It.  So, I planned, created, bought, wrapped, tagged, and sent.  But is my tree--bedazzled or less so--on display?  No, not this year.  I am maintaining the traditions that matter most to me, and reducing my participation in other holiday traditions to keep my family's stress levels manageable. 

4.  Set firm boundaries if you need to.  If you have relatives who are controlling, dismissive, difficult, or quite frankly abusive, then family events where they are present, even the Zoom-ed ones, can compromise your mental health.  Did you catch that?  Family events with people who treat you poorly can compromise your mental health.  So, set some boundaries for your well-being.  How?  Here are a few ideas:  

• Don't attend.  
• Show up with a friend (most mean people treat you nicer if you have a friend along).
• Set a short time limit, and leave the call or the gathering early.
• If you feel obligated to attend, be prepared with conversation topics to steer them away from abusing you.  Asking lighthearted questions keeps the focus on THEM and not on abusing YOU.
• Provide your own transportation to/from the event, if the event is in-person.  If you get into a car/train/Uber with them, you'll be a captive audience and at the mercy of their control.  Don't do it.
• Practice saying "no."  This is not a joke.  Google "how to say no" and you'll find over 3 BILLION links.  

Assertiveness has its perks.  A calm, enjoyable holiday is one of them!

Happy holidays!

Teresa

Teresa Heald LCSW

Why Not to Panic About Coronavirus

So, by now the world has heard of COVID-19 (Coronavirus Disease 2019).  Here is a Johns Hopkins Whiting School of Engineering dashboard to keep up-to-date on the spread of this illness.  It lists total cases confirmed worldwide, total deaths, and total recovered.

So, feel free to click the link and go assure yourself that (at the time I'm writing this) the overwhelming majority of people who have contracted this illness are recovering from it!  That is why I'm suggesting not to panic.

Please take the precautions that the World Health Organization suggests here.  If you are immune-compromised in any way, or are otherwise at high risk for contracting COVID-19, contact your primary medical provider this week and follow their suggested plan to avoid getting sick, a plan specific for YOU.  Do not panic.  If you do happen to get sick, contact your primary medical provider and carefully follow their instructions for treatment.

Now that those public service announcement-type suggestions are out of the way, here are health statistics that are also incredibly important to acknowledge:

Every year, according to the United Nations, 50,000 women are killed by their intimate partners or family members.

Why isn't THIS issue causing widespread global panic?  50,000 preventable deaths annually.  That's about 4167 women dying per month from being murdered by an intimate partner or a family member.

Why is something soooo preventable such as domestic violence not being touted as a "pandemic?"

Hmm.

Yes, please use hand sanitizer, cough into your elbow, don't touch your face unless you just washed your hands, and wear a mask in order to prevent contracting and spreading COVID-19.

However, ending domestic violence will take so much more.  For starters, you can read up on boundaries, co-dependency, assertiveness, and communication; stay connected (or build connections) to healthy friends and other social supports; advocate for social justice everywhere (work, school, home, community, the legal and court system, your workplace, religious organizations); work to improve access to resources (especially financial, education, and health care) for all humans; learn to recognize the signs of domestic violence; take a strong stance against violence towards all humans (this includes standing up for abused children and for victims of bullying); help victims get out and get treatment as soon as possible; help perpetrators be held accountable and get treatment as soon as possible; advocate for women's rights, educate yourself and share the knowledge with others on how to spot a batterer early in a relationship, and then as a global family, we can end this global domestic violence pandemic together.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse from an intimate partner, roommate, family member, or someone else, please contact the USA based National Domestic Violence Hotline either on the internet here (if you don't fear the abuser discovering you visited that website) or call 1-800-799-7233.  It's free and confidential.  Be safe.  Be strong.  You are important!

Launching your 20-Something Grown Child

Part of your job as a parent is to teach your child to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible.*  If you have a 20-something still living at home who is not working or going to school, you have not yet completed your biggest role in helping your child resolve this important developmental process of growing up.  Here are some ideas to help move this process along.

1.  Let me say this gently (ok, perhaps bluntly but with much compassion for you and your grown child in my heart):  you are likely the biggest obstacle to your child's failure to launch.  Not the economy, not the housing market, not that high school who failed to teach your child how to rent an apartment and get a job, and not your ex.  YOU.  By allowing your child to stay at home without requiring some manner of forward motion towards independence--such as holding down a job and/or going to college or technical training--you are fostering unhealthy dependence.  Recognizing and owning your role in this problem is the first step to resolving this untenable situation.

2.  Create a launch plan with deadlines.  You have every right to expect a grown up living under your roof to contribute financially towards bills and upkeep (unless they are in school FULL TIME**).  Perhaps create a plan in which they get a job (any honest job) within 30 days, pay their cell phone bill and their car insurance fully within 60 days, make a healthy contribution to their food and household supplies costs 30 days after that, and rent and utilities 30 days beyond that.  Your goal is not to gouge your grown child financially, but to help them assume full responsibility for themselves.  Make the deadlines reasonable but firm, and make the cost of rent sting a bit.  They have been comfortable loafing around home for far too long, and there they will stay until YOU make moving out more attractive than hanging out at home.  Charging them rent can be the push they need to leave the nest.

3.  Help them set up a simple budget.  Set them up for success and give them a simple, half-page budget.  This will help them learn to pay you on time, and get them in the practice of managing their money before they leave the nest.

4.  Do not expect your child to launch successfully overnight.  It's a process.  You and your grown child need to learn and practice new ways of relating to and communicating with each other, as adults.  Adults pull their own weight in life and do not mooch off of other people.  You've taught them to mooch off you (yes, you have, but don't beat yourself up about it, let's fix it!).  You definitely need to begin the process with the end (launching out of the home and being fully self-supporting) in mind.  Depending upon how much you have enabled your grown child to depend solely on you to meet their needs, this could take 3 months to a year.   If it takes longer, you're dragging this out beyond what may be healthy for you and for your grown child.  Or they have some other complicating issue such as rebounding from an early divorce, single parenthood, job loss, or recovering from an illness that could understandably make launching take a little longer.  Plan your launching schedule with these factors in mind, give them a little, not a lot, of leeway, and assure them that full launching is still possible, it may just take a little longer than one year. 

5.  Expect change to be challenging.  Your child will resist the actions they need to take to grow up and move out.  Expect resistance in the form of whining, arguing, pouting, regressive behaviors (I know one grown child who, when dad gently confronted him about these issues, started jumping on the living room furniture like a four year old, seriously!), suddenly developing an illness ("Oh well, I have a cold, guess I can't look for work this week"), and making excuses and promises they don't keep.  This is part of the change process of maturing.  So is making mistakes!  Expect them.  (But do NOT give up or give in.  These kids need to launch!)

6.  If mental illness, substance abuse, violence, or internet/gaming or other addictions are involved, get help.  These issues go beyond the norm of what you are able to manage alone in your role as parent.  You need help in navigating these muddy and dangerous waters.  Seek out a psychotherapist or counselor with experience in treating these conditions and YOU go see them.  You will need the support of a skilled mental health professional yourself in order to make the emotional and behavioral changes necessary on your part, so that you can be there to hold your child accountable and empower them to do their part.  Follow the counselor's advice carefully.  You may also need to involve law enforcement and/or an attorney.  Seek all the help available.

7.   Understand that grief (yours and your kid's) is likely part of the process as well.  This preparation to launch signifies the end of their childhood.  You may experience sadness, regret, despair, anger, fear, and sheer elation (yes!) at the thought of your child moving into true adulthood.  Talk with your psychotherapist or counselor about your feelings so that you do not subconsciously act them out.  Don't keep your grown child stuck in dependence upon you because you don't want to face and process your own emotions about their growing up and moving on.  Don't sabotage yourself or your kid!

8.  This is hard work.  You invested years of hard work in raising your precious little grown-up loafer.  It's HARD to get them to finish the process.  It's HARD for you to accept that you have been enabling them to mooch off you since high school graduation.  And it's HARD to release them when they are ready to face the big, wide world without you there every minute to micromanage their work and school schedule, wardrobe, social media, and homework.  Acknowledge the effort you have put into raising them thus far.  And acknowledge how hard it feels at times while you keep moving them forward to full launch mode.  Bah.  It stinks!  Yes, it's tough, but you can do it!

9.  Celebrate your grown kid's every step towards greater independence and self-sufficiency.   Practicing and claiming personal power is a tough developmental task, and your grown child needs your support rather than "I told you so," or "...if you would just take my advice!"  Be their biggest cheering section as they take these faltering steps towards adulthood.  They will launch.  You can  empower them to do this.

Warm wishes to you and your grown child as you begin this new adventure!


*  If your child has a permanent disabling condition, self-sufficiency may look a little different.  Your grown child may require care providers to assist with day-to-day tasks in order to live as independently as possible.  If this is the case and your grown child does not live with you, then you have successfully launched your child.   Good job!

**  If your child is enrolled in college or technical training/school full time, begin the conversation now about your expectations for your child to launch within a short time after graduation/completion of training.  This will likely annoy your child but it is so important that you begin the launching process now by communicating your expectations.  Require your child to work during summer vacations and to land a job within 30 days of completion of their schooling regardless of whether or not the job is in their preferred line of work.  They need to work at any safe, legal job if they are not in school full time.  And they need at least a part time job if they are in school part time.

Setting Boundaries with Bulldozers

Do you know someone who, whenever you tell them no, either ignores your no or relentlessly wears you down trying to talk you into a yes?

Those people are bulldozers*.  They don't respect your boundaries, and they plow over any boundary you attempt to create.

Another word for bulldozers?  Bullies.

Bullies want what they want and stop at almost nothing to get it.  From you.

You don't need that in your life.

It is likely that your entire relationship with this bully has been a power differential:  they exert more power than you and have been violating your boundaries for the duration of the time you've been in relationship with them.

It's time to take your power back.

Here is the short version of how to set boundaries with bullies.  (The long version takes place over several sessions of skills training in a counselor's office.)

First, get in touch with what boundary a particular bully keeps crossing.  Perhaps you are frustrated with two hour long phone calls with a "friend" whose friendship, you've discovered, is completely one way and drains you dry.  Or a co-worker that keeps hitting you up for lunch money, gas money, a ride here, a ride there.  Or your cousin (sister, uncle, child, parent) whose teasing at family gatherings has crossed a line (maybe it always crossed the boundaries of kindness, but you're just now seeing it for what it really is...bullying), and you're fed up.  GOOD.  Figure out the boundary that's been crossed and label it in your mind, "This is the boundary that So-and-So keeps crossing."

Second, determine how you're going to set (or re-set) the boundary, and how to communicate this to the bulldozer/bully.  You may want a face-to-face visit, but I would really recommend a letter or email.  Here's why:  it gives you time to VENT and EDIT before communicating your limits, it gives you emotional distance from the bully (communicating with bullies can be really uncomfortable, and sometimes frightening), and it helps you to remember what you actually said to the bulldozer when--not if, but WHEN--this person comes back and steps across (or jumps over, or demolishes) your boundary.  

Third, communicate using "When you ______________ (do not respect my no, call me and talk for two hours, make fun of my career choice, ask to borrow money), I feel _____________ (angry, violated, disrespected, sad, offended, used, disappointed)."  I need you to respect my boundaries.  I will no longer _____________ (be open for two hour phone conversations, be your chauffeur, lend you money, listen to your teasing without verbally letting you know that it's teasing and then I'll walk away from our conversation)."

Fourth, prepare for backlash.  It will happen; they will test your boundaries and that's when you stand firm and follow through in the way you said you would in your letter/email.  THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.

Why?  There are risks to setting boundaries.

You're not used to standing up to this person, and this person may no longer want to be in relationship with you if you set and keep healthy boundaries.  They might increase their bullying behavior, pull away, or change tactics.  But a bulldozer painted hot pink is still a bulldozer.

Or, if this person* is a batterer, then you could actually be in physical danger if you set a boundary.

And, when you change one part of a relationship, your entire relationship will change too, in some way, and it might not be in the way you hoped.

But there are sooo many risks to NOT setting boundaries.  You risk being controlled by these people, risk not living the life you want, risk becoming more and more angry, frustrated, and hurt.  You owe it to yourself to feel good about you and be involved with healthy, growing, and respectful people who respect your no and whose "no's" you respect.

It's your choice to set boundaries.  Set and keep healthy ones, and get help if you need it.  You are worth it!!

Be well!


*  If someone has threatened your life, physically hurts you, forces you to do things you don't want to do (drugs, commit crimes, lie for them), tries to convince you to stop acting in health-promoting ways (tells you to stop attending your 12-Step meetings, pressures you to stop taking your medications or stop seeing your health care provider), minimizes your accomplishments, speaks to you in degrading ways, or tries to keep you from having access to your phone, money, car, healthy friends and safe family members, you are in an abusive relationship and need help to get out.  Call the Domestic Violence Hotline (free if you're in the USA) at (800) 799-7233.