Setting Boundaries with Bulldozers

Do you know someone who, whenever you tell them no, either ignores your no or relentlessly wears you down trying to talk you into a yes?

Those people are bulldozers*.  They don't respect your boundaries, and they plow over any boundary you attempt to create.

Another word for bulldozers?  Bullies.

Bullies want what they want and stop at almost nothing to get it.  From you.

You don't need that in your life.

It is likely that your entire relationship with this bully has been a power differential:  they exert more power than you and have been violating your boundaries for the duration of the time you've been in relationship with them.

It's time to take your power back.

Here is the short version of how to set boundaries with bullies.  (The long version takes place over several sessions of skills training in a counselor's office.)

First, get in touch with what boundary a particular bully keeps crossing.  Perhaps you are frustrated with two hour long phone calls with a "friend" whose friendship, you've discovered, is completely one way and drains you dry.  Or a co-worker that keeps hitting you up for lunch money, gas money, a ride here, a ride there.  Or your cousin (sister, uncle, child, parent) whose teasing at family gatherings has crossed a line (maybe it always crossed the boundaries of kindness, but you're just now seeing it for what it really is...bullying), and you're fed up.  GOOD.  Figure out the boundary that's been crossed and label it in your mind, "This is the boundary that So-and-So keeps crossing."

Second, determine how you're going to set (or re-set) the boundary, and how to communicate this to the bulldozer/bully.  You may want a face-to-face visit, but I would really recommend a letter or email.  Here's why:  it gives you time to VENT and EDIT before communicating your limits, it gives you emotional distance from the bully (communicating with bullies can be really uncomfortable, and sometimes frightening), and it helps you to remember what you actually said to the bulldozer when--not if, but WHEN--this person comes back and steps across (or jumps over, or demolishes) your boundary.  

Third, communicate using "When you ______________ (do not respect my no, call me and talk for two hours, make fun of my career choice, ask to borrow money), I feel _____________ (angry, violated, disrespected, sad, offended, used, disappointed)."  I need you to respect my boundaries.  I will no longer _____________ (be open for two hour phone conversations, be your chauffeur, lend you money, listen to your teasing without verbally letting you know that it's teasing and then I'll walk away from our conversation)."

Fourth, prepare for backlash.  It will happen; they will test your boundaries and that's when you stand firm and follow through in the way you said you would in your letter/email.  THIS IS THE HARDEST PART.

Why?  There are risks to setting boundaries.

You're not used to standing up to this person, and this person may no longer want to be in relationship with you if you set and keep healthy boundaries.  They might increase their bullying behavior, pull away, or change tactics.  But a bulldozer painted hot pink is still a bulldozer.

Or, if this person* is a batterer, then you could actually be in physical danger if you set a boundary.

And, when you change one part of a relationship, your entire relationship will change too, in some way, and it might not be in the way you hoped.

But there are sooo many risks to NOT setting boundaries.  You risk being controlled by these people, risk not living the life you want, risk becoming more and more angry, frustrated, and hurt.  You owe it to yourself to feel good about you and be involved with healthy, growing, and respectful people who respect your no and whose "no's" you respect.

It's your choice to set boundaries.  Set and keep healthy ones, and get help if you need it.  You are worth it!!

Be well!


*  If someone has threatened your life, physically hurts you, forces you to do things you don't want to do (drugs, commit crimes, lie for them), tries to convince you to stop acting in health-promoting ways (tells you to stop attending your 12-Step meetings, pressures you to stop taking your medications or stop seeing your health care provider), minimizes your accomplishments, speaks to you in degrading ways, or tries to keep you from having access to your phone, money, car, healthy friends and safe family members, you are in an abusive relationship and need help to get out.  Call the Domestic Violence Hotline (free if you're in the USA) at (800) 799-7233.