How to Help Your Children Handle School Closures During a Pandemic

The Coronavirus has caused a pandemic, which has lead to schools, libraries, cities, and companies shutting their doors worldwide to prevent the spread of this virus.

With kids and teens home from school, it may be difficult to find things to keep them busy, safe, and healthy.

If you have children or grandchildren who are home due to school closures, here are a few ideas to help them during this most challenging time:

1.  First, please don't panic.  Children need your strength and stability.  So please share your deepest, darkest fears with supportive ADULTS (your spouse, friends, clergy, support groups, mental health providers), not with children.

2.  Do, however, open up the dialogue to talking about uncertainties.  Remind children that staying at home is much preferable to being sick and spreading this virus to other people.  Be matter-of-fact and do not blame anyone during these conversations.

3.  As much as you are able, maintain a daily routine and structure.  THIS IS SO IMPORTANT.  All humans need structure.  Routines and structure reduce the anxiety we experience over uncertainty.  They provide concrete boundaries for daily tasks and events (even play has an appropriate time limit).  And routines and structure provide continuity in life, which helps to reduce the subjective feeling of free-falling through space that is becoming the norm for kids and teens worldwide.

4.  Try to help kids stay connected to friends via texts and through other technology as often as is reasonable.  Introverted kids (and adults too) may need some encouragement to reach out to friends.

5.  And, while we're talking about technology, please limit screen time, especially exposure to sensational or disturbing news or programs.  Spending 10 hours per day on first person shooter games or with eyes glued to their tablet is not healthy.  Actual human interaction, eye contact, conversations, constructive and enjoyable non-screen hobbies, exercise (go on a walk with your kids, or ride bikes together), family board game nights, volunteer activities, time with pets, time spent outdoors enjoying nature, spiritual practices, and (yes) chores are part of life too.  If you're having trouble limiting screen time, then...

6.  Organize daily chores for kids to do PRIOR TO having access to their technology of choice.  They will grumble and complain, and within a few days (or a week, give or take...) this will be the new norm.  Turn on WiFi as soon as you have checked that they have completed their chores to a reasonable (not perfect) standard.

7.  Use this opportunity to do things together.  Prepare food WITH your kids.  Plan meals together.  Make snacks and bake treats with your kids.  This fosters healthy family relationships, teaches kids useful grown up skills, and proves to themselves that they are important and capable of learning to take care of themselves.  And preparing food for the family is a creative and giving activity that you get to share jointly with your kids.

8.  Reassure your kids that we as a global family are in this together and that we will get through this.

Yes we will.

Be well, and take care of yourself and others too as you are able!

Teresa

Teresa Heald LCSW

Why Not to Panic About Coronavirus

So, by now the world has heard of COVID-19 (Coronavirus Disease 2019).  Here is a Johns Hopkins Whiting School of Engineering dashboard to keep up-to-date on the spread of this illness.  It lists total cases confirmed worldwide, total deaths, and total recovered.

So, feel free to click the link and go assure yourself that (at the time I'm writing this) the overwhelming majority of people who have contracted this illness are recovering from it!  That is why I'm suggesting not to panic.

Please take the precautions that the World Health Organization suggests here.  If you are immune-compromised in any way, or are otherwise at high risk for contracting COVID-19, contact your primary medical provider this week and follow their suggested plan to avoid getting sick, a plan specific for YOU.  Do not panic.  If you do happen to get sick, contact your primary medical provider and carefully follow their instructions for treatment.

Now that those public service announcement-type suggestions are out of the way, here are health statistics that are also incredibly important to acknowledge:

Every year, according to the United Nations, 50,000 women are killed by their intimate partners or family members.

Why isn't THIS issue causing widespread global panic?  50,000 preventable deaths annually.  That's about 4167 women dying per month from being murdered by an intimate partner or a family member.

Why is something soooo preventable such as domestic violence not being touted as a "pandemic?"

Hmm.

Yes, please use hand sanitizer, cough into your elbow, don't touch your face unless you just washed your hands, and wear a mask in order to prevent contracting and spreading COVID-19.

However, ending domestic violence will take so much more.  For starters, you can read up on boundaries, co-dependency, assertiveness, and communication; stay connected (or build connections) to healthy friends and other social supports; advocate for social justice everywhere (work, school, home, community, the legal and court system, your workplace, religious organizations); work to improve access to resources (especially financial, education, and health care) for all humans; learn to recognize the signs of domestic violence; take a strong stance against violence towards all humans (this includes standing up for abused children and for victims of bullying); help victims get out and get treatment as soon as possible; help perpetrators be held accountable and get treatment as soon as possible; advocate for women's rights, educate yourself and share the knowledge with others on how to spot a batterer early in a relationship, and then as a global family, we can end this global domestic violence pandemic together.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse from an intimate partner, roommate, family member, or someone else, please contact the USA based National Domestic Violence Hotline either on the internet here (if you don't fear the abuser discovering you visited that website) or call 1-800-799-7233.  It's free and confidential.  Be safe.  Be strong.  You are important!

How To Stop Hating Your Body

I have one question for you today:  Do you love your body?

My guess is probably not.  Here's why.

Our self-concepts were forged by multiple factors, including how our parents/caregivers treated us in infancy and childhood, how they treated themselves, how our coaches and teachers treated us, what our peer groups told or modeled for us, and the big one:  what we see as the "perfect" body as spoon fed to us by the media over our lifetimes.

In order to overcome such onslaughts to our sense of self and instead learn how to treasure our remarkable bodies, you will need conscious and repeated effort.  If any of the above influences were shaming, dismissive, critical, competitive, or downright abusive, it will take enormous effort and possibly the assistance of a therapist to help you learn to love your precious body.

Dancers, models, cheerleaders, and individuals who compete in pageants are especially prone to body-hate.  Your sense of what is beautiful may be corrupted by the constant criticism you and your body endure as you are trained, sculpted, corrected, and masked into an image verses being supported and encouraged into becoming more of who you really are.  Additionally, individuals disfigured by surgery, accidents, crime/abuse, self-harm, congenital abnormalities or disease are prone to body comparison and body-hate.

Especially as we age, humans internalize these strong and pervasive messages that anything short of smooth unwrinkled skin, white straight teeth, a flawless tan and perky body parts is unacceptable.

Where I live, it is bikini season.  We are flooded with media spouting the religion of how to achieve a bikini-ready body.  Why so much attention on how to "fix" your body so it fits into a certain image?  "Fixing" body-hate is big business.  Body-hate sells!

Well here's the news:  your body is always bikini ready.

It's our minds that have been brainwashed into thinking that there is only ONE definition of beauty.  Once you change your mindset from body-hate to body-love from all the unhealthy influences, you can wear a bikini without needing to "fix" your body.

So, how do you stop hating your body?

It's a process.  You will likely move from body-hate to body-tolerance to body-acceptance to body-love.

I would start first with treating your self as the precious Being that you are and to CARE for your body as you would a precious treasure.  I'm all about being practical with self care, so if you're thirsty right now, go drink some water.  And once you sit back down, pick up your phone and schedule an annual exam ASAP with your primary health provider for preventative care.

The reality is you care for what you treasure.

So begin caring more about treasuring your body than you have in the past, because you are important.  You are priceless.  You--and your precious body--are wonderful.

More to come in future posts on body-love.

Be well, Beautiful!

Self Care for Parents of Struggling Kids

Has your child been diagnosed with a mental disorder such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, or PTSD?  If so, you as parent need to up your game in the realm of your own self care.

"Why increase the time and attention I give myself when it's my KID that's struggling?" you may ask.

Good question!

The answer is simple:  if the caregiver goes down, the whole family suffers.

Self care is not an option for any parent, especially a parent of a child with special needs.  Self care goes beyond lattes and pedicures, and is a lifestyle of nurturing yourself for optimal well-being.

Just being aware of your own needs and setting aside a bit of time daily to meet some of those needs will go a long long way towards keeping you emotionally and physically capable of navigating the difficult waters of raising a special needs child.

Carve out some time for you--DAILY--and you and your child will reap the benefits of a calmer, more engaged, and (dare I say) happier parent.

Be well!

Self Help for Struggling Couples

Are you and your normally close spouse struggling to get along?  Are resentments building, free time diminishing, and avoidance (of time together) increasing?

Good news, because there is hope to help your struggling marriage. Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love by Marcia Berger LMFT (New World Library, 2014) provides an on-going answer to married couples growing apart.

This strategy, which involves a set marriage meeting for 30 minutes every week, fosters love, encouragement, teamwork, and (yes even) romance for struggling couples.  Couples focus on four specific areas and limit the time they spend discussing issues in order to improve how they relate to each other.

A weekly marriage meeting is a great idea for generally healthy marriages* that need some help or for partners who have lost some of the spark they once felt.  This strategy is appropriate for couples who already know how to communicate in a non-blaming and respectful manner.  If this describes your marriage, then read through the book with your spouse, and begin to implement the 30 minute weekly marriage meeting.  You may be surprised at the positive results!

If you and your partner have trouble communicating, perhaps several sessions with a couples counselor will provide you with the guidance and tools you need to improve your life together.  THEN implement weekly marriage meetings for on-going marriage enrichment.  Best wishes for a happier life together!


*For marriages in which untreated addictions, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, financial), or other serious safety/health issues arise, both parties would greatly benefit from seeing individual therapists to address and work to resolve their own issues.  Couples counseling is NOT an appropriate answer to these serious issues in a marriage. 

What to Do with Handmade Gifts from Kids?

'Tis the season...for being the lucky recipient of handmade treasures from little ones!  Yes, those adorable crafty gifts that kids bestow upon their parents and other loved ones during the holiday season.

As parents, we want to encourage creativity, generosity, selflessness, and the relationship-building benefits of gift giving in our kids, right?  But what in the WORLD do we do with some of their creations?

Let me share a story I had long forgotten about until a few weeks ago in session, when my memory was triggered by something one of my little patients said.  Driving home that night, I reflected on my late Dad's parenting skills, "good enough" parenting, and what to do about the gifts our kids give us.

I remember a dark blue scarf that yours truly (that's me) knitted for my Dad for Christmas a long time ago in a galaxy far far away (that's Idaho).  Little Me used a special loom and invested many hours of work into making a true masterpiece:  a too-short and slightly lopsided scarf.  I carefully folded it, wrapped it brightly, and placed it under the Christmas tree.

On Christmas morning, I looked expectantly at Dad as he smiled and began unwrapping the gift.  As he pulled the wrapping paper back, his face lit up and he exclaimed with delight at the sight of the scarf.  RIGHT THERE AND THEN he wrapped that lopsided blue thing around his neck.

Dad wore that scarf all winter, and for many other winters following.  Good enough parenting?  Great parenting!  Although I had forgotten about this gift exchange over the years, I obviously learned and internalized much about gift giving and ultimately about parenting that Christmas.

Fast forward 20-ish years.  My daughter makes a pencil cup for me out of a recycled tin can.  I gratefully and happily received it, and put it to use immediately.  In fact, it's still in use in my kitchen today:  

This festive season, and at all the other times of the year, you don't have to be a perfect parent; you just have to be good enough.  Receive the gifts your children give you with thanks and delight.  That's good enough great parenting!

Happy Holidays!

Manilla Folders to Organize for ADHD

So, you have your main file categories set up.  In review, they are:

Auto/Vehicles
Employment
Financial
Home
Medical
Personal Documents
School

Now on to using manilla folders INSIDE of these hanging folders if your lifestyle and responsibilities require more careful organization.  Simply write on the tab of the manilla folders.  With ADHD, you don't need to try to mess with a label-maker.  Just write clearly in dark pen.

Auto/Vehicles:  Use one manilla folder for all documents pertaining to ONE car.  So, if you are a two car family, you will need two manilla folders in the Auto/Vehicles hanging folder.  For example, one folder might read "2018 Chevy" and the next folder "2014 Toyota."  Pretty simple.

Employment:  Make one folder for resumes and CV's.  Another folder for your current employment.  Another for all past employment (just lump all the misc. documents from all past employment in one manilla folder).  

If you are self-employed, make sub-folders for the current tax year, business expenses, business license(s), marketing, etc. per need.  This is really broad information here; you WILL want to discuss your small business with a CPA and or attorney to get targeted information on exactly what papers to retain and how to store them.

Financial:  One folder per bank you use for basic checking, savings, CD's.  One folder for each retirement account you have.  One folder for each loan you have (home mortgage, boat loan, car loan, personal loan, student loan).  Don't complicate your life.  You don't have to break it down much further than this.

Home:  Make one folder for your rent lease or home mortgage, one folder for general utilities, one for home maintenance and repair if needed.  Keep receipts for major appliance purchases and home renovations here too.

Medical:  Be super simple here.  One folder for your family's health insurance policy.  One folder per person.  Done.  

If you or a family member have higher medical needs (and thus more paperwork to keep!), you may want to start an entirely separate hanging folder just for that one person, and use manilla folders titled descriptively.  For example:  "Primary Care Provider," "Chiropractor," "Counseling," "Occupation Therapy," "Internal Medicine," etc.

Personal Documents:  Create one manilla folder for each person or pet you have.  Store vital documents (birth certificate, Social Security Card, DD-214, etc.) for each person in their own folder.  For marriage certificates, you can make a separate folder just for that or pick a partner's folder in which to store the original.  For each pet, make one folder each and store immunization/rabies tags in their folder.  If your only pets are goldfish, you can skip this step.

School:  One folder per student per school.  Save only semester report cards and any remarkable awards or special creations, not multiple choice math tests and random worksheets.  Once a student graduates, then recycle or shred as many of their old papers as you can, store the diploma in a frame on the wall, and condense all school years' golden papers into one file folder per person (or add those papers to a scrapbook).  Simple!

I hope this helps you understand how to use manilla sub-folders as you begin to keep your diverse papers organized.  

Remember, keep folders visible and edited (recycle often!) and you will be more likely to actually USE this filing system.